Aww yeah. It's the Lingerie Party episode. So, it's not that the Lingerie Party is an official thing that Are You the One does every season, but there's definitely at least one episode where these fools get almost completely naked and hook up with random people. Yes, okay, I know what you're thinking, Emily, isn't that kinda the premise of the whole show? And, okay, yes, touché, you are technically correct, but parties like this are where we get a lot of concentrated drama.
So let's dig into it, shall we?
Before we get to the shit show that was the Lingerie Party, MTV gives us a little wrap up of the Nurys/Malcolm/DiDi drama from last week's "cliffhanger" of an ending. It's pretty succinct, really. Malcom slept with Diandra and now they're coupled up. Tyler once again proves he's the smartest person in the house and says what we're all thinking: Diandra needs to move on because her relationship with Malcolm is bad news. But DiDi's not hearing it. And for now, Nurys is giving Malcolm his space to explore other girls, which, I mean, what else can she do? They're not a match so she really has no dog in this fight. Hopefully she really does move on though. Fingers crossed.
Speaking of moving on, let's move on to the Lingerie Party now. As we recap the events of this party, I want to play a little game I call Drunk Girl Dialogue, in which we count the number of girls who were White Girl Wasted at this party based on the drunk ass shit they were saying.
Exhibit A: Alivia chills with Keith and drops the famous drunk girl line, "I feel like I need to talk to you more." Typical drunk girl sees drinking as a way of bonding with a dude she's into... even though she's still seeing someone else. Get it, girl. No shade. I really think Keith and Alivia might be a match, so I'm down with this.
Exhibit B: I'm just going to let this gif speak for itself...
So yeah, okay, I know. Let me back up. I should mention Kareem and Alivia have been coupled up basically since Episode 1. But Kareem sees Alivia talking to Keith on the bed in her lingerie, and he whines, "You want me to sit around like a fucking bowl of fruit?"
I really want to unpack this simile. What does it mean to sit around like a bowl of fruit? Do bowls of fruit get impatient when they have to sit and wait? Do they feel jealous when you're eating your vegetables, wondering if it will ever be their turn to shine? What does it mean to sit around like a bowl of fruit? Also, how patient can a bowl of fruit be? I mean, after it's been sitting around for too long, won't it just go rotten? So can it really sit around? If he's sitting around like a bowl of fruit, doesn't it mean he'll go bad eventually? I'm thinking about this too much. But look, I took a few extra days to write this recap so I could really contemplate this line, and this is what I came up with.
Anyway, let's get to the Zoe line. Kareem, unlike a bowl of fruit, decides he's going to make out with Zoe because Alivia has basically given him permission to do so by simply TALKING to another man. Of course, Kareem feeds Zoe a bunch of lines, like that she's the whole "care package" (Kareem is clearly Drunk Girl: Exhibit C) and that he's been interested in her since Day 1. So they make out a lot, as Zoe so eloquently puts it. She runs around the house telling everyone this. She's so proud.
Pause. I just want to take a moment to point out that we haven't even gotten to a Truth Booth yet. Usually after the dates, we go straight to the Truth Booth. But this time, in between the date (which was on LAST WEEK'S EPISODE) and the Truth Booth (which doesn't happen until HALF WAY into the episode this week), we get the sumo-wrestling Truth or Dare fiasco AND the Lingerie Party. It sort of makes me wonder how much stuff like this we don't get to see during a normal episode. Like, how many drunk crazy parties and games do we not get to see because MTV has more weeks of material to work with usually? This week just confirms they're going to win early... more on that later... now back to our regularly scheduled breakdown.
This next moment is what I like to call The Thumbs Up From Hell. Since Zoe tells everyone in the house that she made out with Kareem, of course word gets back to Alivia. Being a girl who likes to see shit with her own eyes, she storms out to the pool to check and see if what she's been told is true. And when she sees Zoe and Kareem in the pool together, we get THE THUMBS UP FROM HELL.
"I saw it," Alivia says as she marches back in the house. "Now I know."
Damn, Kareem. You fucked up. Of course, being the mature human being that he is, rather than take responsibility for his own actions, Kareem takes his anger out on Keyana for telling Alivia about his transgressions, calling her a snake.
Tyler, again being too good and too smart for this show, asks Kareem, "Why are you blaming other people for your actions?"
Kareem's response. "Cause you a bitch, that's why."
Okay. Cool. Glad we got that cleared up.
But for real though, back of my boy Tyler, Kareem. For one, he was just standing up for Keyana. He wasn't even the person who said anything to Alivia. Secondly, I know a lot of his height is in his hair, but Tyler is still bigger than you and could probably kick your ass if it came down to it. So back the fuck up.
Meanwhile, Zoe is still drunk as hell and goes into the Drunk Girl rant of the evening: "You know what, fuck this. Kareem told me since the get go. He was like, I like you since the beginning. He was like, I always wanted it to be you. And we made out a lot, and you know, I’m not fucking sorry.”
The next day, in the light of sober, Zoe's "we made out a lot" turns into "we made out a little," and Kareem is rethinking all of the shitty things he did the night before. In a moment of clarity, he realizes that perhaps he used his jealousy of Keith and Alivia to give him the go ahead to hook up with Zoe. Mind blown. He asks Clinton, "Am I trying to justify things, saying she made me doubtful of it?"
Clinton responds, "I mean, kinda, bro. You kinda are. You shouldn’t have made out with Zoe at the end of the night. You shouldn’t have because you knew it was going to hurt her, bro." Truth.
And speaking of truth...
The Truth Booth
Dimitri and Nicole are going to the Truth Booth this week. My favorite response to this pairing is Joe, who says, "I think if there’s anybody for Dimitri, it’s Nicole. The fact that she likes him… is weird."
Dimitri wasn't even a blip on my radar before Nicole gave him attention, and that's because no one else was interested in him. And for good reason. He's an asshole. He went on a date with Nicole last week, and all he can say about her is she has a “beautiful body.” Nicole thinks he's cute and that he's a "kid at heart. Girl no, he’s not a little kid at heart. He is a for real child.
At the Lingerie Party, Dimitri hollas at literally every girl who walks by him, which has Nicole feeling some kind of way (see above photo). To the confessional cameras, Dimitri says, "Let's be real. I'm trying to fuck every girl in this house." To Nicole he says, "OMG ARE YOU MAD AT ME? WHY?" Fuck this dude.
So guess what? Nicole and Dimitri are not a match. I know, shocker. Dimitri tries to comfort her by saying, "Don't worry, we're still going to be something after this." I don't find that comforting at all. Get off my TV, Dimitri.
To the cameras, Dimitri says, "At the end of the day, I still might sleep with her. I want to sleep with her. YOLO." Winner.
The Match-Up Ceremony
We don't get a Challenge or a Date this week, so there's no New Orleans Watch, but on the plus side, we are getting a Match-Up Ceremony at the end of the episode! We're back on track! But this means that if they're are ten episodes total, this group is on track to figure out their perfect matches by Week 9, if not sooner. We'll see how this develops, but I'm hoping for a return to our usual format in the following weeks.
Now let's talk about this bananas Match-Up Ceremony.
Clinton's expression is everyone's expression during this weird ass Match-Up Ceremony. The pairings are random as hell. People are sitting next to each other who have hardly ever talked to each other. After working so hard to win Malcolm back, Diandra picks KAREEM as her perfect match, which causes Joe to fall out of his chair, he's so shook. Same really. Of their bonkers strategy, Joe says, "It's making it harder for me to want to be with [these girls] because I don't respect their intelligence."
We get three matches tonight, and I'm kinda changing my mind about who might be matched with whom. Alexis picks Dimitri, which I don't see being a match. Diandra picks Kareem... NO. Jada picks Tyler... I've never seen them say a single word to one another, so no. Nicole picks Ethan, and yeah, no this isn't a match. Geles picks Michael. Also no. Nurys picks Keith... what? Alivia picks Malcolm. THIS SHIT IS SO RANDOM.
So the four that I think might possibly be the three beams: Zoe and Joe (they've sat together a lot, and I like that their names are similar), Audrey and Shad (this really makes sense to me), Keyana and Anthony, and Clinton and Uche. I'm going to say a definite YES on Clinton and Uche being a match, and on Audrey and Shad. Keyana/Anthony and Zoe/Joe are my MAYBES. I can't decide between the two of them which is more likely, so I'm just going to leave it at that.
Are You Emily's One?
It was actually kinda hard to find a pic of Clinton where he wasn't sucking face with Uche, but here he is. As I've mentioned previously, I really like Uche. She's a smart girl who's probably too put together and too mature for this television program. But she's here, and I know I've been kinda sour on the Clinton/Uche pairing in the past, but I'm warming up to it. I can admit when I am wrong.
Clinton and Uche got to have a sweet little date this week, and I got to see more of how they interact with one another (you now, aside from making out constantly). We see more substance in this episode. Uche wants to take things slow, and I love that Clinton respects her and is romancing her. Comparing him to the other dudes featured in this episode, like Malcolm, Dimitri, and Kareem, Clinton’s looking real good. Hopefully, Cluche goes to the Truth Booth next week. I feel like that's what's getting set up, so we shall see.
Plus, he calmly told Kareem the truth about how shitty he was acting without getting into any altercations with the dude, so two thumbs up to him. Clinton, you're alright.
And that concludes this episode of Are You the One. I'll see you later this week for a recap of Episode 6 (Wednesday nights on MTV, y'all! Or watch on their website). Until then, stay sexy, and don't drunkenly make out with random people while wearing only underwear. #lifelessons
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The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.