Did you think we were done with the Nurys/Malcom/DiDi love triangle just because Nurys and Malcolm were confirmed a no-match and then Nurys let some dude lick chocolate off her nipple? Think again, my friends. The trio we all wanted to forget is back and shit's about to get real.
But let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.
If you'll remember, last week, we ended off with Kareem calling half of the dudes in the house losers. And that's where we pick up this week. Kareem yells at Tyler for spending all of his time playing the ukulele rather than playing girls. I feel personally attacked. Let Tyler do Tyler please.
Is his confessional, Kareem rants more about the dudes and then shows us all his tongue. "I ate a jolly rancher, so... my tongue all red," Kareem explains. Thanks for punctuating your poignant rant with this amazing revelation, Kareem. Keep being you.
While all of this drama is going on, Keith and Alexis stealthily sneak off to the Boom Boom room to avoid this shit show. In case you were ever unclear of what goes on in the Boom Boom Room (which like... they have cameras in there, so you should be sure), Alexis tells Keith, "I love having sex with you." This is probably all going to work out great. More on them later.
So at this point in the competition, this group isn't doing so hot. They're actually further behind than any other previous season. I'm not really sure on the math and statistics on all of that, but that's what Terrence J tells them, and he should know.
Anyway, Anthony realizes that maybe hooking up with his no-match Geles every week is not great for the house as a whole and might be ruining their chances to win. Gee, you think?
So Anthony takes Geles aside and basically says, "Hey, maybe it would be best if we don't have sex, like, every night." Geles cries a whole bunch and says a lot of things I don't understand and it's very emotional.
I guess part of me wants to feel sad about this, but honestly, we haven't seen very much of Anthony and Geles as a couple, and after the Clinton and Uche bomb last week, I feel like the viewer's hearts have frozen over. We're still numb. We can't care that these people aren't hooking up anymore. I have a feeling a lot of people at this point are like, "Anthony and Geles who?" Or maybe that's just me.
Based on previews, this break-up is going to play out in a dramatic payoff next week, but I don't want to spoil, so just hang on to your butts.
So let's get into this Nurys and Malcom and Diandra drama, shall we? As you will recall, Malcolm "broke up" with Nurys after they were a confirmed no-match and Nurys participating in Truth or Dare sumo wrestling that ended in chocolate being licked off her nipple. But she's still hanging in the wings, feeling sorry for herself, wondering why no one but Diandra is going after Malcolm.
But really, I'm having trouble thinking of any reason anyone would want to go after Malcolm. He's not the worst dude in the house, but he's not the greatest. He is a player that thinks his "player ways" are something that just happen to him. He's just standing around being innocent, and then BAM, vaginas end up all in his face and on his dick, like magic.
I'm pretty sure you put some effort into it yourself, Malcolm.
So then Nurys decides to apologize to Malcolm for her immature actions. And I guess Malcolm "accidentally" starts making out with her? I guess that's how this shit works in Malcolm's head?
I can't decide if Nurys is in this because she really wants to get back together with Malcolm or because she just hates DiDi so much. She hates that fact that DiDi and Malcolm are together and she haaaates DiDi, even though she was the one who broke up Malcolm and Diandra, and not the other way around. But I'm not here to take sides. These girls are both idiots.
Nurys can't let well enough alone, so she confronts Diandra in the kitchen and asks her what makes her think she and Malcolm are one of those beams. Then the shit I promised earlier started getting real.
In the middle of this argument, one of the girls asks, "You makin' hot dogs?" And whoever this was is the true MVP of the episode. Nurys has to quiet her so that she can continue with her rant, but the interjection really added some much needed levity to a dumb situation that shouldn't be this big of a deal.
Nurys tells Diandra, "THE GIRLS [in the house] DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU." I don't know why she says this. I feel like this argument went on for a really long time and we're just getting choice samplers of it (duh). Anyway, this comment gets Diandra even more fired up and fruit starts flying.
I love how Shad's just enjoying the drama and Clinton's basically like, "Whoa, hold on. Don't bring the bananas into this." What did those bananas do to deserve this?
Malcolm's all, "I’m honestly trying to be a good person, but these women are making it so hard for me.” LOL.
Tyler, as always, bringing sense and intelligence into an otherwise idiotic and nonsensical show, says, "Nobody can get to know anybody without some no-match couple lighting the whole house on fire.” So I guess this is why he's not pursuing Nicole more directly? He's worried about fruit being flung at him? I guess that's fair.
Joe reflects that the no match couples are mad at him for telling it like it is, but, "We have a lot of no matches actually not sleeping anymore, so I feel like I did a good job.” Small victories.
Meanwhile, MTV gives us a close-up of the real victims in all of this, the bananas. They are left bruised and forgotten on the floor. I want to make some sort of connection to the larger picture here or talk about how the bruised bananas are really a metaphor for all of these broken couples and bruised hopes and dreams. But It's 7AM, so I'm not clever enough yet.
New Orleans Watch
Not a lot to report here, except the challenge this week is that each couple has to make gumbo, an authentic New Orleans dish, and then Terrance will taste test all of them. Many of the contestants seem very confused. Diandra calls it "jumbo," and Alexis says, "I’m from West Virginia. We roast pigs. We don’t gumbo. What? No.”
During the challenge, Geles and Clinton pair up, and they seem to be having fun together. Honestly, I'm just happy to see Geles without the huge fake eyelashes she always has on. Personally, I think she looks a lot better. But anyway.
Terrence spits out Nurys and Shad's gumbo. They put cinnamon in it, so good job there, kids. The winners of the challenge are Keith & Alexis and Clinton & Geles.
The Truth Booth
Keith and Alexis are heading into the Truth Booth, and before any of this goes down, we know they're not a perfect match. Sorry to tell you. DavidK93 over at Are You the One Math explains why:
Keith and Alexis sat together in ceremonies 1, 2, and 5; if they're a match, they were the only match in one-beam weeks 2 and 5. Many other couples from both weeks were repeated in other weeks, and would have to be wrong in those weeks. Eliminating those couples and other proven no-matches, plus any time Keith or Alexis were paired with anyone but each other, leaves exactly three possible couples for week 1, when there were three beams: Dimitri-Diandra, Keith-Alexis, and Tyler-Nicole. Then, eliminate any pairing that had someone from one of those couples with someone else. As a result, three-beam week 4 is left with exactly three couples: Anthony-Keyana, Malcolm-Alivia, and Michael-Geles. But if you then once again eliminate pairs that had one of those people with someone else, two-beam week 3 has only one possible match: Tyler-Nicole. Every other possible match has been ruled out, making that week's results impossible and disproving the initial assumption that Keith and Alexis were a match.
So yeah, they're not a match and the entire house is shook.
Following this Truth Booth result, they decide they need to get to know each other better, so they do some Speed Dating. This is a great idea, but they should be doing this every week.
Meanwhile, I'm yelling at the screen, "TYLER, TELL NICOLE HOW YOU FEEL GDI!" Later, he takes her out on a special date and gets to the hard-hitting questions like, "What's your favorite ice cream?" Look, I love this dude, but he has no game. It's kind of driving me crazy.
The Match Up Ceremony
Before the Match-Up Ceremony, Shad says that he worries they might black out, but then again, "The Shad doesn't black out." Is MTV making him say this stuff? It's pretty bad.
I just want to brag on myself and say that after all the matches were chosen, I predicted four beams. Here are the four couples I think are a match, in order from most certain to least certain.
Tyler & Nicole - I am 100% sure they are a match at this point. I think this is the first week Nicole has chosen Tyler (usually Tyler picks her), so maybe she's coming around on him. Maybe ice cream really turns her on. I don't know.
Shad & Audrey - I feel pretty good about this one too. I'm not sure who else would put up with Shad.
Jada & Ethan - I feel less sure about this, just because I don't really see them having anything in common or ever really talking, but the math seems to add up, so maybe I'm wrong.
Alexis & Joe - This is my wildcard. Alexis says she chose Joe because when she first saw him, she thought, "he looks ridiculous. That's going to be my match." Can't argue with that logic. And they seemed to have fun on their date together.
Are You Emily's One?
It's happening. I'm finally picking Joe this week. It seems like he's a good dude, and he keeps saying funny stuff that makes complete sense week after week, so I am rooting for him to find love. He's been an honorable mention for me several weeks in a row, so it is about time he wins this highly coveted honor.
Of course, my love is and will always be Tyler, but his lack of game is really frustrating me. As much as Nicole annoys me, he needs to make things happen with her to get back in my good graces.
Until next time, ladies and gents! <3
About the Blog
The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.