It's Almost Time for the Newest Season of the Bachelorette!
The new season of The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, May 22 on ABC. Susan, Emily, and Mary are super excited to see Rachel embark on her journey to find love-or-something with one of these thirty-one Instagram model wannabes. And Kelli? Well, we beat her down until she finally had to give in and agree to watch with us. So now we're officially all on board to watch this season of the Bachelorette, and we've been prepping by setting up our Fantasy League (which you should join and participate along with us!) and judging the new batch of Bachelor boys based on their official bios.
Check out our opinions after the cut.
Adam, 27 - Real Estate Agent
Kelli - Are you kidding me? No. He lists TRANSFORMERS as one of his top 3 favorite movies. Boy needs to get some taste.
Emily - Jennifer Lawrence is “every girl’s goal”? Boy, you don’t know me. I mean, okay, I love Jennifer Lawrence but NO. Shut up. I hate this guy.
Mary - I was snoozing until I saw his most romantic present was a threesome. WTF.
Susan - He lost me at Transformers.
Alex, 28 - Information Systems Supervisor
Kelli - He’s cute but he seems boring. Except for the fact that he lists The Rock as his favorite “artist,” which like… what do you mean, artist?
Emily - The Libra in me who craves balance is really disturbed by his hair. What is this ‘do? He is cute though. He likes the Beatles and says music isn’t a big part of his life, which… same. Also, Kelli, the Rock is an artist, okay? Did you see his turn as Maui in Moana? What’s wrong with you?
Mary - WHY WOULD YOU EAT A LIVE SALAMANDER?! WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT?!?!
Susan - Ooh, he cute. But he describes himself as “selfish, unemotional, unapologetic.” I can't deal with a man who can't say sorry. Also, even if music isn't that important to you (it isn't really to me, either), you could probably still THINK of three groups/artists you like. And by “artist,” I don't mean The Rock.
Anthony, 26 - Education Software Manager
Kelli - YAS. He is smart and driven, has impeccable taste, and seems like he’s not a douchebag. Of course, you never know.
Emily - Okay, am I a dick for pointing out that he looks like a conehead in this picture? I love that he dropped the term “emotionally intelligent,” which were the buzzwords of Nick Viall’s season. Clearly he’s a Bachelor fan. Also I love that he says if he was on a desert island, it would probably be filled with flesh-eating plants like on Life of Pi. He’s a pessimist and he likes good movies and/or books. A treasure, aside from the conehead. But hey, maybe if I was bald, I’d have a conehead too.
Mary - I want to like him, but I agree with Emily--he looks a little weird and like he’s maybe up to something. It’s weird to me that they asked him lots of intelligence/education based questions, while they’re asking other dudes about their threesomes and stuff. Are they setting him up to be the Rachel of this season?--OK yes, Rachel is on this season too, but...you know what I mean! Also, The Iron Giant is a hidden gem.
Susan - I like this dude, which usually means he won't make it far. He got a Fulbright! Immediate turn-on. He reads! 2 for 2! Comes across much older than 26, which is a good thing.
Blake E., 31 - Aspiring Drummer
Kelli - Ugh there are TWO Blakes? Kill me. This guy seems like he thinks he’s funny but he actually isn’t. Also, he managed to praise 50 shades of grey and insult cats in less than 100 words, so fuck you, dude.
Emily - Just from looking at the picture, this is clearly the lesser of the two Blakes. He looks slow. Okay, time to actually read his profile… Ew he has really dumb tattoos. Bye. He thinks 50 Shades of Grey is “taboo” and “sexy.” No. Bye again. Literally all I want on a date is to be able to talk about my cats with abandon. So, again, bye. I hope this dude goes home on the first night. I’m going to say he probably will.
Mary - HE IS AN ASPIRING DRUMMER. What does that even mean?! I’m also seriously concerned about how sensitivity and patience are BAD attributes. I predict he will be a whiny man baby who expects everything to be handed to him.
Susan - I prefer the other Blake on a physical level. I CANNOT with his Fifty Shades of Grey comment. Also how can you have a tattoo about the dog you rescued and hate hearing about your date’s cats? What kind of monster are you?
Blake K., 29 - U.S. Marine Veteran
Kelli - Cute but boring, and yet again, the Rock. Do men think women are physically attracted to the Rock? Are women physically attracted to the Rock?
Emily - Agreed, he’s cute, but this profile is super boring. Why are people so obsessed with Chipotle??
Mary - I’ve never eaten at Chipotle and Blake K. isn’t really convincing me to here. Have there been many Asian men on the show in the past? It seems like this season they’re really throwing out all their men of color, which I think is interesting. I’m into it.
Susan - That odd-colored v-neck looks really good on him. Cute. Seems caring, if a little boring. For the record though, Chipotle is just okay. Not island-worthy.
Brady, 29 - Male Model
Kelli - Um this guy is dumb as fuck. He lists his least favorite person in the world as THE SITUATION from Jersey Shore because he’s a BRO? What about like, IDK, Donald Trump? Steve Bannon? Chris Brown? Bill O’Reilly????
Emily - Look at this look on this dude’s face. He looks super intense and dumb. He looks like the type of guy who would get a tattoo of you on your second date that says “I will guard and protect your heart.” Y’all know what I mean. I haven’t even read his profile. Do I need to? He’s a male model. I wish I could go to Milan on my own for two months. Now I’m jealous. I shouldn’t have read this profile.
Mary- I think he might murder me in my sleep. Look into those eyes. They stare into your soul. Oh for sure, he would guard and protect your heart, Emily, because Crazy Love is his favorite book. *rolls eyes into infinity*
Susan - He does not even see the irony in saying he dislikes someone because they are a “total bro.” Hey Brady. I've got some bad news, bro…
Bryan, 37 - Chiropractor
Kelli - He’s kind of funny and seems like he’s into pleasing women sexually, but also he’s a little too traditional as far as his ideas about the roles of brothers/sisters in a family… plus, in his ‘list three positive attributes’ section he cheats and lists 7.
Emily - I too really hate when people cheat on survey questions. Like when it’s an “either/or” and they choose both or something not listed. Like, play by the rules, people! As for this dude, I really don’t have much to say except that I’m disturbed he looks to The Bachelor/ette to get insight into how men and women interact with one another. Just. No.
Mary- I’m not following why he thinks brothers need a little brother? What does that mean? Also, yes, emily, I hate that he doubled up on his answers. Learn to count, Bryan.
Susan - Why exactly does a boy need a little brother? Confused. I hope he has three girls. Honestly his best quality seems to be that he is 37, so he might genuinely be ready to get engaged. Also it would be nice to live with a chiropractor because my neck is all effed up.
Bryce, 30 - Firefighter
Kelli - “What's your biggest date fear? The chick is actually a dude.” I have no other comments.
Emily - Hahahaha. Okay, lemme see. I think he might secretly be an elf. Look at those ears. Also, his dream job is “Professional Instagrammer.” Well, you’ve chosen the right show, buddy. Most former contestants are “Professional Instagrammers” now. So good job with that. Living the dream.
Mary - Woooooow way to bust out your transphobia for all of America to see. Way to go, Bryce.
Susan - This guy is definitely here for Instagram reasons. Forgettable.
Dean, 26 - Startup Recruiter
Kelli - I appreciate his apparent obsession with junk food, but other than that, IDK. This guy’s marriage views are completely contradictory. Also, who doesn’t like being bitten? Freak.
Emily - So this guy’s narrative is clearly going to be about his mother dying, which means he’ll likely be around for a while, at least for long enough to get tears out of him. I’m also concerned about his marriage views. He might be a serial killer.
Mary - I gotta say, I love a good triforce tattoo. I’m not looking forward to the dead mom plot, which I agree is inevitable. That being said, I have news for Dean: If you think marriage is a sham, this might not be the (game) show for you.
Susan - A bit young, but seems pretty down to earth. I think his childhood memory is endearing. Also, I did chuckle at “Whenever a girl tries to bite me I have to stop everything and have a discussion.” Dude really hates being bitten.
DeMario, 30 - Executive Recruiter
Kelli - He’s hot. I like him. Bey & Jay as relationship goals is a little bit questionable since Jay most likely CHEATED on Bey, but whatever, I’ll allow it.
Emily - Um, he’s my favorite. He doesn’t just say he wants a pet lion; he says he WILL have a pet lion, and he’s already picked out a name, “Denzel, the lion.” I’m glad he included “the lion” in the name, just in case anyone gets confused and thinks it’s a normal cat. I also like that he clearly pays attention to pop culture. He seems fun.
Mary - I like him, too. He’s cute, he has fun, pop-culture related answers. I’m not sure if he’s being entirely serious, so I wonder if he knows how ridiculous this show is. If he does, I will declare him my favorite.
Susan - Handsome and a good sense of humor. Solid Brit/JT matching denim reference. I'm calling him for top 6.
Diggy, 31 - Senior Inventory Analyst
Kelli - “I spent all day with this girl and she ended up coming home with me and we had sex. She then received a text saying her brother was missing, so I played asleep so I didn't have to help!” WHAT AN ASSHOLE OMFG. NO.
Emily - Yeah, right? I don’t see how that’s a “fun” story. That’s pretty messed up. Why is everyone this season obsessed with The Pursuit of Happyness? I mean, I guess that movie was fine, but favorite? No.
Mary - He seemed pretty fun until he revealed he left a girl distressed and on the hook when her bro went missing. That is just really messed up.
Susan - What?! I get that you barely knew the girl, but she's a human! Help her! Also, no one cares about or is impressed by your trip to Cancun with the “sexual positions contest.”
Eric, 29 - Personal Trainer
Kelli - This guy’s desert island picks are INCREDIBLY lame. One of them is ‘phone.’ Like.
Emily - I can’t deal. He’s so boring. Also, is it just me or does he look like Steve Buscemi?
Mary - I’m both bored and put off. Ugh. He does kind of look like Steve Buscemi, but less interesting.
Susan - I fell asleep reading this. If you're stranded on a desert island with this guy, make sure you're not negative about it. (Eye roll.)
Fred, 27 - Executive Assistant
Kelli - It’s cute that he says he’d like to be Ellen for a day. I also like that he says he would do anything for love. It’s like he’s BETTER than Meatloaf.
Emily - I love how all the other dudes are wearing v-necks and this dude is dressed like a dad. Also Fred is a dad name.
Mary - OK, new favorite. He seems like a complete dork, but really sincere and nice. He also is rocking that sweater and reminds me of Carlton from Fresh Prince.
Susan - I'm not as sold on this guy as y'all are. He's dressed like Carlton Banks and his perfect hometown date is going to fucking Pappadeaux. That's not a local restaurant. That's a chain. Is that literally the best thing in your hometown? That's like saying you'd like to take your date to slightly better Applebee’s.
Grant, 29 - Emergency Medicine Physician
Kelli - Pro tip: don’t talk about taking a shit in your Bachelor profile, and definitely don’t use the word ‘defecate’ like a fuckin’ nerd.
Emily - This dude is a total nerd. His “see food diet” joke was super lame. Also he loves the song “Ice Ice Baby” because he used to sing it at Bar Mitzvahs. I don’t feel like I even need to comment on that.
Mary - Grant looks like he doesn’t really want to be here. They might be forcing him to be there.
Susan - “I like being the center of attention while appearing to maintain a humble outlook on it. This allows for others to envy and respect you more.” What? He seems like he'd be manipulative. Also, I would not vote for him for POTUS.
Iggy, 30 - Consulting Firm CEO
Kelli - It’s been a while, and I still don’t get the ‘banana float’ joke. Maybe I’m too dumb to go on a date w him.
Emily - I’m pretty sure he said “Dali” was his favorite artist because that was the only artist he could think of. And he probably couldn’t think of his first name. I like Tom Hardy, too, but I feel like I could come up with a better reason than “dude’s a beast!” Finally, I too do not understand the “banana float” joke. Can someone smart explain? I’m guessing it’s a penis joke? Mary - Oh, you think you’re so clever, Iggy, using the same answers for your best and worst attributes. *sigh* I think he’s probably thinking banana boat, not float. You know, the things you can ride on at the beach. They look like bananas. IDK.
Susan - Who let this guy be a CEO? I don't get the joke either. So either we’re all dumb (and therefore could not date him), or his joke is stupid.
Jack Stone, 32 - Attorney
Kelli - Why does he get a full name when he’s the only Jack? Also, tulips are not like roses at all… so.
Emily - This guy included his last name because clearly it’s the only interesting thing about him. I just looked at his bio, and I already forgot what it said.
Mary - Jack Stone knows what you want, ladiesssss. He is smooth and knows it. His favorite author is John Grisham, though, so byeeeeee.
Susan - I immediately assumed he was a singer/songwriter when I saw the first and last name combo. (Anyone remember James Taylor from JoJo’s season?) He picked a solid favorite book but then said Grisham was his favorite author. Hm.
Jamey, 32 - Sales Accountant Executive
Kelli - so far this guy is the actual worst. YOU DON’T HAVE FEMALE FRIENDS? Good fucking luck, bro.
Emily - This guy sucks.
Mary- Do you think he could be the villain this season?
Susan - “I do not have female friends.” K bye, shorty.
Emily - Mary, I think he has definite villain potential. You heard it here first.
Jedidiah, 35 - ER Physician
Emily - What is this name? He’s really into wolves. He might be a werewolf. He might have been raised in the wild by wolves. He’s really enthusiastic about scrambled eggs. I hope he sticks around for a very long time and brings the weirdness.
Mary - I am really into this name and also wolves and scrambled eggs. I love how he was like, I love South Africa because of their tasty food and wine OH AND ALSO THEY ALL HAVE AIDS. What the hell, Jedidiah? I was just starting to like you. I hope he stays for a long time because I honestly just want to hear him talk about wolves more.
Kelli - I’m not going to argue about the werewolf thing. I do kinda dig his weirdly specific flower choice, too. However, the look on his face reads ‘dead inside,’ but maybe it’s just the school portrait aesthetic.
Susan - That’s definitely the name of one of the Duggar kids. Wrong show, bro. I feel like he’s too excited about scrambled eggs. I give him till week 3.
Jonathan, 31 - Tickle Monster
Emily - His occupation is TICKLE MONSTER. Is this a code name for sex worker?
Mary - I’m kind of getting a weird vibe from Jonathan and I’m not sure why.
Kelli - He looks kind of like Will Forte, doesn’t he? Also, he’s going to get a ‘tragic divorce’ plotline, so that’s something to look forward to.
Susan - How did this guy get the combination of Elvis Presley, Britney Spears, and Flo Rida. I'm convinced he's an alien trying to pass for a human male. “Tickle monster” was a random, computer-generated answer from the mothership. That's the only excuse there can be.
Josiah, 28 - Prosecuting Attorney
Emily - He’s really cute. It’s too bad he’s got a tattoo of a bible scripture on his chest. That is so not hot. He’s a lawyer, so I guess he and Rachel could talk about law a whole lot or something. I don’t know. I feel like he could be a good match for her.
Mary - As an avid Catfish fan, I need to know more about this catfish story. I think he seems nice enough, but overall kind of blah.
Kelli - Does being pregnant really count as catfishing someone, though?
Susan - Pretty sure Josiah is also a Duggar’s name. Same job as Rachel and seems intelligent enough to stick around for several weeks.
Kenny, 35 - Professional Wrestler
Emily - OMG a professional wrestler. I was going to guess he loved The Rock, and what do you know? He wants to have lunch with the Rock. Do these guys think they’re competing to marry The Rock? I hope they’re not disappointed when they get out of the limo and see Rachel standing there and not Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Mary - I really hope he makes lots of weird wrestling puns or tries to do a wrestling move on Rachel when he gets out of the limo on the first episode. I’m not sure what is going on with all these contestants having religious tattoos. Is the Bachelor franchise really conservative, I guess?
Kelli - Okay, I really hope that all of these the Rock references are actually subliminal publicity for an episode where the Rock guest stars and then wins Rachel’s heart. Also, who WANTS to live in Ancient Egypt???
Susan - His daughter will clearly be a big part of his storyline. And different Edible Arrangements every day of someone’s birthday week? That's actually a terrible gift. No one can eat that much fruit before it spoils.
Kyle, 26 - Marketing Consultant
Emily - Kyle’s favorite actor is Will Smith. I wonder if he likes The Pursuit of Happyness because that seems to be a favorite movie among the contestants. Also, he named four of his worst attributes rather than three so also he can’t count and/or he breaks the rules. We know how I feel about that shit.
Mary - When he said he wanted to have lunch with Donald Glover, I was in, but then he said he didn’t know what gluten was, but tries to eat gluten free anyway, and I was out.
Kelli - His ideal mate is a seven or above, and yet, I would put Kyle at a seven TOPS. TBH, he’s probably like, a five. Sorry Kyle. You’re a five.
Susan - I kind of like that he was into trying BDSM because his ex enjoyed it. Seems to have a healthy attitude toward trying new things with a partner. Other than that, he seems a little blah for our Rachel.
Lee, 30 - Singer/Songwriter
Emily - MORE crazy uneven hair. Is he going bald on only one half of his head? What is happening! He's a singer/songwriter, so I bet you a million dollars we have to listen to him perform at least one song he writes specifically for Rachel. He also! Uses! A! Lot! Of! Exclamation! Points!
Mary - So many exclamations. Why. Why Lee. Also, I’m confused about how his hair is doing what it’s doing. So weird. He seems like a country boy, and I’m not into that at all.
Kelli - His hair is so, so bad. He seems like an alright dude though.
Susan - Fix your hair, Lee.
Lucas, 30 - Whaboom
Emily - Guys, his occupations is “whaboom”? What the fuck? Did he misunderstand the question? Also, “threesome at a wedding party” is not a story. It’s not even a complete sentence.
Mary - What is a whaboom? What does that mean? He seems like a dumbo.
Kelli - Definitely a dumbo. Also, this is the second reference to The Situation from Jersey Shore. Like, did we accidentally time travel to 2009?
Susan - A 30-year-old man with an ant farm. Enough said.
Matt, 32 - Construction Sales Rep
Emily - Why are men so afraid of Victoria’s Secret?
Mary - As you know if you listen to the podcast, I am trash and I love the Today show. That being said, I HATE MATT LAUER. My roommate and I believe he is secretly having an affair with Savannah (and we are not the only ones who think this). He constantly talks down to the women anchors and guests, so I have no time for Matt Lauer. If Matt loves Matt Lauer that much, I’m out.
Kelli - Emily, don’t you know that if a person spends any time in a lingerie store, they might end up wanting to WEAR lingerie? It’s science. Btw Mary, I agree about Matt Lauer.
Susan - He had sex on the balcony of a cruise ship. Private balcony? Not that impressed. Public balcony? Probably illegal.
Michael, 26 - Former Professional Basketball Player
Emily - He’s cute, but again he’s got a fucking scripture tattoo. Guys, this is not a good look. But it’s pretty cool that he played pro-basketball in Bulgaria, right? This might be our winner.
Mary - More scripture tattoos. Ugh.
Kelli - It’s hard to get a read on him because it seems like he took the survey very very seriously, so I can’t tell if he has a sense of humor or not. I do like his Obama answer though.
Susan - He seems fine, but nothing really stands out about him. I didn't get much of a sense of his personality from his answers. I bet he sticks around to top 10 though.
Milton, 31 - Hotel Recreation Supervisor
Emily - So he wants to break into acting or writing, so he’s clearly here for the wrong reasons (TM).
Mary - But what is tattooed on his bottom lip?! I need to know.
Kelli - His name is MILTON. :(
Susan - At least he’s honest about being there for acting…? Also, being romantic shows that you're weak? Wtf?
Mohit, 26 - Product Manager
Emily - I think he might still be a child. He wants to dress up as Gluten for Halloween and he’s still thinking about that time he got to meet the Power Rangers.
Mary - Again, I’m really happy to see some men of color on this season. I haven’t watched the Bachelor shows for years like some (EMILY), but last season was pretty bland all around. Good thing this guy is just bland because, as Emily said, he is a child!
Kelli - Um, he’s kinda really hot though…
Susan - I think I like him. Which again means he won't be there too long. I really like that he measures time in Seinfeld episodes.
Peter, 31 - Business Owner
Emily - He’s afraid of heights, so he’s definitely going to have to go on a skydiving date, right? These contestants never learn. If you want to go on a specific kind of date, just say you’re afraid of doing that thing. Like, I would say I was afraid of cuddling kittens so I could go on a kitty cuddling date. That’s a real kind of date, right?
Mary - Snoooooze.
Kelli - This guy is kind of cute but def boring. Side note: I am pretty sure every guy I’ve ever dated has been afraid of heights. What is WITH that? It’s almost like I’ll never find someone who will propose to me on a hot air balloon.
Susan - He seems like every other white guy named Peter.
Rob, 30 - Law Student
Emily - Rob kinda looks like Tom Cruise with a smaller head. He’s foreign, so I’m thinking we’ll get to learn more about that. Unless he goes home immediately. I don’t know what else to say about him.
Mary - I’m honestly getting bored with these dudes.
Kelli - He does have a VERY small head.
Susan - Holy shit. He DOES look like Tom Cruise. I like that he's traveled a lot. I give him 3 weeks.
Will, 28 - Sales Manager
Emily - Another Will Smith fan! I think the Will Smith fans and the Rock fans should battle each other to see which fandom is more awesome. Also, after reading through all of these boring job descriptions, I can see why someone might list their profession as "tickle monster" or "whaboom."
Mary - He has not one, but TWO cross tattoos. WHY.
Kelli - Okay, I need to say something. I think that people who say that “every tinder date ever” was terrible, they need to take a look in the mirror and ask themselves, “Why am I so bad at interpreting what a person will be like after reading their online profile? Why do I have such poor judgment?” IT’S NOT THAT HARD, PEOPLE. Like, are you going to find your soulmate on Tinder? Maybe not. But speaking from experience: I have been on many, many online dating dates, and only two of those dates were actually bad.
Susan - Finally. The end. Very blah bio. Also, what is a battle cross? Is that a dumb question? Or just a dumb tattoo?
We made it to the end! Please don't forget to join our Bachelor Fantasy League to play along with us throughout the season. If you have any thoughts about this group of guys, feel free to leave your comments down below, or e-mail us at email@example.com. We might read your comments/questions on our next podcast minisode, where we will be discussing the first two episodes of the Bachelorette.
Until next time!
- Kelli, Mary, Emily, and Susan <3
About the Blog
The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.