What is up, Are You the One fans? My people. I'm so excited to talk about this episode with you, and I hope by my conclusion (as much as recaps can have conclusions) you'll understand why. Not gonna even lie. Towards the end of this episode, I got so hyped up that I had trouble even taking intelligible notes, but I will try to see what I can do here. Especially because the format got all messed up again. Why, MTV, why can we not just have a Truth Booth and a Match-Up Ceremony in one episode? Is the Alexis/Keith/Alivia/Kareem drama SO IMPORTANT that we can't make room for a damn Match-Up Ceremony? Why?
But here I go. I'm going to do my best. Come along with me on a journey through this mess.
So following last week's Match-Up Ceremony "success" (they got 4 out of 11 matches, which I guess is... better than a blackout? But also not great? This is like celebrating getting a D on your term paper, which I guess some people do?), the house is going wild. Nurys is so pumped she's wearing sunglasses inside (see above), and Ethan has himself a one-man party in the shower with all of his clothes on.
But the real drama of most of this episode, as mentioned earlier, was Keith and Alexis/Kareem and Alivia. You see, as you might remember, last week Keith and Alexis were revealed to be a no-match. If they had thought about it AT ALL, they would have known this already, but whatever. They're not a match, and at the beginning of this episode, Keith tells Alexis, "We’re going to be an example, but no one’s going to know that we still have sex.” He kinda mutters this last part. I had to put on the closed captioning just to make sure I heard him right. But yes, these two think somehow they're going to have secret sex in a house full of people.
Keith then goes on to say, "Whoever my perfect match is, if it’s not you, then we’ll have to have a three-way.” You might think he's joking, but I'm thinking maybe not. Actually, probably not. In the end, Keith and Alexis come to an agreement that neither of them will have sex with their perfect matches. They shake on it. It's all very official.
Meanwhile, while Kareem and Alivia cuddle together on the couch, this footage is intercut with a confessional in which Alivia admits that she is 100% certain Kareem is not her match and that Keith is probably her match. Ooooooh. My reaction to this?
Anyway, MORE ON THIS DRAMA LATER because THE CHALLENGE THIS WEEK IS AMAZING AND I WANT TO SPEND 1,000 YEARS ON IT.
Why is this challenge so amazing? It's the exes challenge. All of the contestants' exes are here, and they're ready to stir the pot. I love the exes challenges. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. Taylor from AYTO Season 5 is Joe's ex. Oh boy. Diandra’s ex is from her junior year in high school, reminding me of how young these assholes are. Uche looks like she brought her dad on the show instead of her ex. I hate to be like that, but damn he looks old.
So the object of this challenge is for everyone to go around and talk to everyone else's exes, speed dating style, and then at the end they're going to be quizzed on what the exes said about the contestants. Hoo boy.
Let's start with Michael's ex Arianna. Michael's current girl Audrey grills her hard. The choicest moment from this interaction was when Audrey asks, "Was the sex good?" Arianna says, yes, it was, and Audrey responds, "Yep, I know that too." AND THEN WALKS AWAY. Spoiler alert: Audrey is the QUEEN of this episode. More on that later.
I also want to note that Arianna says her celebrity crush is Channing Tatum OR Zac Efron, but later during the quiz phase, everyone just ignores that this woman said she loved Zac Efron and just says Channing Tatum. Zac was so ignored, I thought I'd totally invented the Zac Efron thing until I watched this episode again. Damn that's cold.
Tyler asks Keyana's ex what was the most expensive thing he ever bought her. He says it was a promise ring. Tyler's response is priceless as usual: "A ring? Like a promise ring? Oh dang, that didn't work out."
I guess now we can talk about Taylor from season 5, who as I mentioned earlier is Joe's ex. I'm reluctant because I realize Taylor acted like a complete bitch so that people would talk about her, and I hate giving her the satisfaction, especially since clearly everyone reads these recaps so she's going to get a lot of publicity just from being mentioned here.
So apparently Taylor broke up with Joe to go on Season 5 of Are You the One. And now for absolutely no reason I can discern (aside from getting air time), Taylor totally blows up on Geles who isn't even interested in Joe. Geles simply asked Taylor if she and Joe had ever talked about marriage (WHICH IS SOMETHING EVERYONE ASKED EVERYBODY), and Taylor flips out. She even pulls a "do you know who I am?" moment when she tells Geles, "Remember, I was on this show." Like does that mean something? I don't get it.
This is not a good look, Taylor. And I hate even sharing this gif with the world, but I want to include it just to point out Joe's expression. He looks like he's being held hostage and is low key trying to signal to Geles to get help. He looks like he's worried he's going to be eaten alive the moment he's left alone with this woman. I actually feel sorry for him.
So now let's get to the quiz round. After the speed dating round, Terrence J gathers everyone all together to try and recall the information they gathered from their interviews with the exes.
First question: Who is Arianna's celebrity crush? She says Channing Tatum and so does everyone else, BUT SHE ALSO TOTALLY SAID ZAC EFRON and I did not make that up. Okay.
Second question: Would DJ ever consider taking Diandra back?
Third question: What is Britney's nickname for Malcolm's junk? The answer is "Baby Leg," and suddenly the whole Diandra and Nurys madness makes a whole lot more sense. Also, let's not forget the giant erection from episode 1. I can never unsee that. Uche says that Malcolm's dick should be nicknamed "Marshmallow." Malcolm is not amused.
Fourth question: How long after they met did Uche and Niyi make love? 1 Week. Probably because Niyi doesn't have much longer left to live, so they wanted to get to it. Get it? He didn't have much longer to live? Because he looks super old? Okay, sorry.
Fifth question: Did Ashley & Clinton ever talk about marriage? No.
Sixth question: Does Brett think Keyana is clingy? No. WHAT? DID THESE PEOPLE EVEN DATE?
Seventh question: How long did The Shad last the first time they had sex? 2 seconds. But apparently it got better. Why did she even give this dude another shot?
Eighth question: What’s the craziest place that Randy and Nurys had sex? In the car on the highway.
Ninth question: Would Kaitlyn get back together with Anthony? Yes.
Well, that was fun. Keith and Alexis both win dates in what Terrence J calls "a twist of irony." No, Terrence, that's not how words work. Please just stop. Anyway, get ready for the most awkward date of the century...
The Most Awkward Date of the Century
Because Keith asks Alivia to be his date. And Alexis asks... KAREEM. Oh lawd. You know Alexis did this in the hopes of cock-blocking Keith/Alivia on both ends. These two have literally never talked to each other before. Geles even asks Alexis, "Have y'all met?" And Alexis says no. This is clearly just a play to make this date as unromantic as possible for Keith and Alivia.
It kiiiinda works that way and it kinda doesn't. Either way, this shit takes up way too much of this episode. You see, the night before the date, Keith and Alivia share the smallest kiss known to man, and Alivia immediately runs and tells Kareem that she "hooked up" with Keith and that she's so sorry.
Guys, this might show my age, but can I just ask something? Like, legit, I'm curious. When did "hooking up" change from meaning having sex to sharing a chaste closed-mouth kiss? I really don't understand. Someone please explain to me how the kids talk these days.
Kareem does not take this well. Shocker. On the date the next day, he shares with Alexis what happened the night before. Alexis goes nuts, even though SHE HAS MADE OUT WITH EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE. LITERALLY EVERYONE. So then they go and confront Alivia and Keith. Rather than breaking down how this confrontation went, I'm just going to share this GIF with you:
Yeah, so that happened. That Kareem. He's a keeper.
Meanwhile, Back at the Are You the One Pad...
As if the drama on the date isn't enough, drama is going down at the house as well. Anthony thinks Diandra might be his match, so he takes her to the Boom Boom Room.
Wait, what? He did what?
Yes, you heard me. Anthony and Diandra go to the Boom Boom Room. Malcolm sees this and decided to tell everyone in the house that these two went to the Boom Boom Room. He even tells Geles, who you may or may not remember is in love with Anthony and has been hooking up with him even though they were declared a No-Match early in the season. So now Geles is super upset. Malcolm is... IDK. More on him later.
But guys. Hear me out here. Anthony and Diandra went into the Boom Boom Room to play beer pong on the patio. I'm for real. That's all that happened. Anthony asks Diandra if he can kiss her, and she says no because she's loyal to Malcolm. So seriously nothing happened. But Malcolm tells EVERYONE they're fucking.
And do you remember how I said Geles was really upset? Well, Malcolm... Malcolm breaks up with Diandra, but he's SMILING while he's doing it. Because of course he's secretly glad to have a reason to break up with DiDi and hook up with other girls. This is the same shit he did to Nurys.
As all of this is happening, Tyler is all of us: "What is going on? This place is great. I hate it. But it’s great."
The drama is too much, but also that's why we're here. So we soldier on.
So now we get into more reasons why Audrey is Queen of this Episode. She tells Malcolm exactly what a dick he is for treating Diandra like shit and not believing her when she swears up and down she didn't do anything with Anthony: “Malcolm, you’re wrong for disrespecting her. I’m going to call you out on that. That’s fucked up. How can you do that to any woman? You don’t disrespect women like that.”
YAAAAS QUEEN. #FEMINISM.
In confessional, Audrey adds, "People like Geles, people like Malcolm, are going to be the reason why we fucking lose the money. I swear to God, if we don’t win the money, I’m going to slap the shit out of both of them.” At this point, I'm ready to propose marriage. I'm in love.
And now for the part of the episode where I actually got up out my seat and started cheering. Like for real. I've never felt so much elation from a pay-off ever in my life. After all of the fighting and squabbling Nurys and DiDi have done over this asshole Malcolm, Nurys comes to Diandra's defense, and it is a beautiful thing. Women supporting other women. I'm so into it.
You see, suddenly Nurys realizes that MALCOLM HAS BEEN THE PROBLEM ALL ALONG. It’s a Thanksgiving Miracle. Nurys says, “I think [Malcolm is] a fucking piece of shit, and I feel so bad. I’m so sorry for ever coming at you any type of way, because now I know where we come from. Me and you have so much in common because we keep coming after guys that are just like him.” ALL THE APPLAUSE. I can't deal with all of this joy I am feeling.
The Truth Booth
THE DRAMA CONTINUES when the most hellish foursome in Are You the One history comes back from their date. Terrence J asks how the date went, and Alivia reveals that she and Keith made out on the date. So they've they've now kissed twice.
Alexis is heartbroken. She says that Keith is dead to her. Terrence is all, whoa hold on there Alexis. Those are harsh words. Alexis says, "Good!"
Kareem is furious. He's screaming. Shouting expletives. He and Keith look like they're about to get into a fight, but instead Kareem storms off. At that moment, Clinton and Tyler both stand up. I assume that Clinton is going after Kareem because it seems like he's sort of the Kareem-whisperer in the house. Tyler though? Here's what he says:
Ha. Hahahahahaha! Guys, if you're not following his Twitter, what are you doing with your life, for real?
Anyway, following this drama explosion, Alivia and Keith are sent in the booth. Everyone's kinda hoping they're a match because A) they have not gotten any matches yet, and B) get this drama out of the house ASAP, please.
What are the results?
NO MATCH, Y'ALL! These guys are the worst contestants ever. How will they ever win? (P.S. I still think they're going to win). As they come back in the house, Kareem laughs maniacally. Zoe begins to rethink her infatuation with Kareem. It really took her this long.
Are You Emily's One?
In case you haven't been paying attention, THE CLEAR WINNER this week is Audrey. In past weeks, I never would have guessed Audrey would become a favorite of mine in the house, but she really killed it this week with the truth bombs. I'm super in love. All hail the queen. Bow down, bitches.
And... no Match-Up Ceremony this week because MTV hates us. At least we got the Truth Booth results? We have to cling to the little things. See you next week when we do this all over again.
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The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.