Have you heard the news? Arie Luyendyk Jr. is our next Bachelor.
Come January 2018, we'll all be following Arie of Emily Maynard's season as he quests for love. Bachelor fans are underwhelmed. They're disappointed. They're going through the five stages of grief as the reality of this dissatisfying bachelor pick sinks in.
It’s Peter. It’s Kenny. It’s a double season of Peter and Kenny and there are 50 women there to date them.
It’s just a joke and ABC is just laughing at us from their rose petal-littered mansion of gold. They’re planning to pull a switcheroo like they did to Caila (still mad about that, by the way) and substitute someone else at the last minute, even though they’ll have already filmed Arie’s stupid intro packages wherein he will 1) be shirtless 2) drive a racecar like a tool.
This is all an elaborate ruse to throw us off while they secretly film the best season ever, which is the one where Kenny and his daughter find the love of their lives and put a ring on it. The emotional impact will be greater if we’re surprised right before the premier. I’ve figured it all out. ABC can’t fool me!
It’s complete bullshit that Kenny is not the Bachelor. This isn’t fair to Bachelor fans. This isn’t fair to me personally. We deserve Kenny. Eric said it was miracle season, and damn it, this is NOT miracle season.
Oh god they’re gonna make us watch a stupid racecar date. The women will make weird racing puns about being fast and knowing how to drive a stick (winks at the camera). I’ll punch the television. It will hurt.
The women will all be 22 years old and bikini models and fighting over a 35-year-old pretend real estate agent and uggggghhh.
I thought we were moving in a good direction, and here we are, literally going backwards in time. I’m Tyra-yelling-at-a-promising-model mad about this. ABC I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU.
If ABC lets Kenny be the Bachelor, maybe Arie can be on Dancing with the Stars or some shit. If you give us Peter instead of Arie, we’ll live tweet every single minute of every single episode, and we won’t even make fun of anyone’s made-up job titles. We promise.
Alternative proposal: We just skip the Bachelor this go-round and give Kristina the Bachelorette season she deserves. Just give Arie the money and usher him away quietly.
Second alternative proposal: We watch a miniseries reality show about Evan and Carly preparing to welcome their baby girl. If we’re gonna go back in time, we might as well do it with interesting people.
I guess I could always just…not watch? Yeah, I’ll do that. Take a little break for a season. Get back my Monday nights. Maybe read more books or take on weekly meal prep from 7 – 9 pm. Damn it, I know I’m not that strong. I will continue to wallow in self-pity until the new Bachelorette is named. And it better be Kristina.
Oh gosh now I’m sad about Kristina. Dean, what is wrong with you?!
Damn it. They released photos from some kind of dog-walking date. Arie’s in the photos. So like, it’s real?
I do love dogs…maybe this date will be…cute?
I do prefer a Bachelor who’s on the “older” side. Arie qualifies. He’s probably come a long way since Emily’s season.
Arie did bang Courtney Robertson, a.k.a. the greatest villain in Bachelor history, so maybe she’ll show up?! Will tune in just for this possibility. Here’s what she had to say about him in her (very terrible) book:
“Though he is an expert at lip locking, known among fans of the show as the ‘kissing bandit,’ I was getting hot and bothered and needed more. ‘Arie, I feel like I’m in high school. I can’t just keep making out with you.’ He was hesitant for a millisecond, but then we headed into my childhood bedroom, into my canopy bed, for what can only be described as the best sex I’ve ever had. Why was it so good you ask? Arie’s incredibly passionate and utilizes his entire body in his lovemaking. And he knows exactly what positions make a woman feel comfortable and satisfied.”
So he’s definitely going to hook up with like 20 of 25 women, which could make for good drama.
If all the contestants are 22, there will be some solid Bachelor in Paradise cast members among them who love tequila shots and will talk to raccoons (bring that back please, ABC).
I mean, at least fantasy league will be fun with this cast. There will be lots of points earned for making out up against walls all over the world.
Jef Holm will live tweet about how much he hates Arie and how gross he is. I’m here for that.
This will be THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER.
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The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.