The second episode of Riverdale's second season was, as expected, completely ridiculous, and Kelli and Mary are back this week to break things down for you moment by moment. From Betty's confusing 'Retro Night' benefit to the newest craze sweeping Riverdale High (a drug which, we shit you not, is called JINGLE JANGLE), we've got you covered.
Let's jump right in, shall we?
Mary: Let's reeeecaaaaaap!
Kelli: YES. Do you want to start us off?
Mary: The scenes at the beginning were kind of dumb and just setting things up for the episode.
We get some info that someone graffitied "Death Diner" on Pop's Chocklit Shop. Which is....a dumb thing to write.
Kelli: Nobody died, so...
Mary: Pop is worried he'll have to go out of business because people are apparently so worked up about the shooting. Also, if Riverdale is a hotbed of crime like Jughead seems to think, what's the big deal?
Kelli: Betty, who is constantly looking for a project, is like, I CAN FIX THIS!
Mary: OH MAN she wants to fix so many things this episode. Betty decides to make a plan that will help Pop AND Jughead. But before we see how Betty will fix things, we get a scene to remind us that Hiram Lodge is hot. He's just kind of around, being attractive.
Kelli: Yes. Confirmation since last episode: it wasn't just the candlelight.
Mary: It wasn't, although the Lodge's seem to be allergic to good lighting. They like that mood lighting.
Kelli: Prayer lighting.
Mary: Yes hahahaha.
Hiram is generally suspicious and Veronica is MAD at him.
Kelli: And he spends most of the episode trying to get back in her good graces, being like, "look Veronica, daddy brought you flowers!"
Mary: Yes! But she is not having it.
We then get a scene where Jughead talks about his dad a little bit, and how he's upset that his dad's facing serious jail time.
I thought this was a great moment of character development for Jughead.
That I kind of identify with, tbh.
Sometimes parents are just crappy, and you want to not care about them anymore, but they're your parents, so you still love them.
And Jughead feels that conflict.
Kelli: Yeah. Plus he knows that in this particular instance, his dad is technically innocent. Sort of.
Mary: Right! FP didn't teeeechnically murder anyone, but he was heavily involved in some bad stuff for sure.
Mary: Also, we get a scene of Archie and his dad in their house,
Kelli: and Fred is like, miraculously walking as though nothing happened?
Mary: Yeah, he's a-okay, even though he was at the death diner.
Kelli: Even though I get the impression that only a few days are supposed to have passed?
Like, the most pain we see is he winces when he sits down. I'm pretty sure that's not how near-death gunshot wounds work, but okay.
Mary: He was basically in a coma, but now he's fine. It's a very quick recovery. And I guess Archie's mom is gone now?
Kelli: Yeah, Molly Ringwald doesn't have time for this shit.
So, Archie is like chugging an energy drink in the morning because he has been up all night with his baseball bat.
Mary: Sitting on his box with his bat.
Being a vigilante.
The worst plan ever, honestly.
Kelli: Yes. And Fred is like, I'm fine, you don't have to protect me.
And Archie is like, NO DAD.
Mary: So then Veronica comes over.
Kelli: And the two of them go for a walk, and she's like, so Archie.. not to pry, but you're acting like kind of an insane person so maybe you should go to a counselor?
And Archie just like looks at her? And she's like "I went to therapy once a week in New York!"
Mary: She's suspicious because Betty told her Archie wasn't sleeping in his bed at night (because yes, Betty still watches him through his bedroom window for some reason).
Kelli: Which makes us wonder: is Betty still holding out hope?
Mary: Oooooh maybe maybe.
Kelli: I hope not. Lol.
Mary: In the comics, they all incestuously date Archie in a rotating order.
Kelli: Ugh. Poor Jughead if that happens.
Mary: Poor poor Jughead.
So Betty is still on the prowl to fix things, and she decides that it would be a GREAT idea to visit the mayor. So they can get help saving Pop's and getting FP out of jail. Because those things are related.
Kelli: Right. I'm not sure if that was their actual plan or if Jughead just brought FP up for the hell of it.
Mary: It did seem very unplanned. They did not think it through at all.
Kelli: And then the mayor is like "um, sorry honey but your dad is an actual criminal, so...."
and Jughead is like YOU WILL REMEMBER THIS DAY.
Mary: YOU WILL REMEMBER, MAYOR
I mean, the mayor does not seem bothered.
Kelli: THE DAY YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON POP AND MY FATHER
and she's like "are we done" lol
Mary: She has more important things to do.
Kelli: She's got bigger fish to fry.
Mary: Like manage Josie and the Pussycats.
Kelli: omg I was typing that.
Mary: Now we get to my favorite part of the episode.
Kelli: JINGLE JANGLE, Y'ALL
Kelli: Because nothing says hard drugs like the word "jingle"
and the word jangle
Kelli: Jingle jangle.
Mary: Reggie (who has been recast this season—I don't know how I feel about that) is apparently a drug dealer now.
Kelli: They recast him because the old Reggie was too good for Riverdale and went to be on 13 Reasons Why.
Mary: Yep, he did.
He said deuces, Riverdale.
Reggie said he can get all sorts of drugs, even the hardest one...Jingle Jangle.
Kelli: Archie wants to stay awake so he requests uppers. Jingle Jangle.
(jingle jangle jingle jangle)
Mary: Archie decides he needs jingle jangle in order to be a Vigilante for Fred Andrews.
He's gonna stay up all night on drugs.
on his box
with his bat
Kelli: What could POSSIBLY go wrong.
SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT PLAN
Back to hot papa Lodge, who wants to meet Veronica halfway. He says he will help Veronica plan an event to save Pop's.
She still is like, meeeeeeeeeh
Kelli: Also, when this happens, it's because Papa Lodge interrupts a conversation between Betty, Veronica, and Kevin.
And they're all like WHO IS THIS MAN? And she looks up and says "daddy?" and then Betty and Kevin are like "Daddy???"
Kelli: but it just sounds like they're all calling him daddy.
Which... yeah, I would too.
Mary: Yeah, man.
To quote Jenni, "If the incredibly expensive loafer fits...."
So, meanwhile, Jughead goes to talk to the serpents.
Kelli: Trying to figure out if there's something he can do for his dad. He's like "Maybe we can bust him out of jail and get him to the Canadian border!"
Kelli: and the Serpent is like "lol no that's not how this works buddy."
Mary: Even as he says it, it's a terrible idea.
Kelli: It's really bad. Jughead, we thought you were smarter than this.
Well, actually maybe I didn't think that.
Mary: Then the serpents introduce the concept of the "snake charmer."
Again, Riverdale, I'm hanging my head in shame.
Mary: Because that is just not a great term.
Taking a schtick too far.
Kelli: I believe in this scene they specifically say
which is even worse.
Mary: It's all bad
It's rough all over
Kelli: It's basically just, I'm going to hold your dick. That's what a snake handler does.
Mary: This person is a Serpent who is also a lawyer, which makes a lot of sense. If you're a gang you need a good lawyer.
Kelli: It's true. And he walks in there and it's like, a tattoo parlor.
For a second I thought he was going to get a gang tat, which was very exciting.
But no, it's just a regular old law office in the back.
Kelli: But instead he just walks to the back and meets the Serpent lawyer, who is, *gasp*, a woman.
Mary: A WOMAN?!
Kelli: A WOMAN GANG MEMBER?
Mary: She doesn't really give sound legal advice.
Kelli: She also informs him she's a Serpent by showing him her Serpent tattoo
which is straight up the dark mark.
Like, they didn't even try.
It's an INFINITY SNAKE.
ON HER LEFT ARM.
Come on, guys.
Mary: She says that if the Blossoms forgive FP in front of a judge, his sentence can be lessened.
Kelli: The thing is, why does it matter if the Blossoms forgive FP?
Mary: HE DID NOT DO IT.
Kelli: None of this makes any sense to me.
But I guess the Blossoms have "power."
Mary: Me either. Can someone with legal knowledge please inform us?
Kelli: Write us a letter and let us know if this is how the legal system works.
Mary: Yes, please!
Kelli: We are very confused.
Mary: Penny, the lawyer, also says that she doesn't work for money. She works for FAVORS
Wink wink wink
Kelli: And Jughead is like, "wow, thanks!'
Like an idiot.
Mary: Then, they publicly announced that Ms. Grundy is dead.
Kelli: The principal comes into the classroom to tell them.
Which seems weird.
Mary: "Hey kids, this person who used to work here is now dead. She didn't live here anymore, but she's dead. Byeeee"
And then Archie decides that this killer IS PERSONALLY AFTER HIS LOVED ONES.
Kelli: In the middle of this announcement, Archie is so emotionally distraught that he stands up and leaves class.
Which is not at all suspicious.
Mary: Nope nope nope
Kelli: So yeah, he goes home to tell his dad this.
Mary: He tells his dad, he tells Alice Cooper, he tells everyone.
Kelli: And his dad is like "Son. I know you're upset, but like. Chill."
Mary: because he's on Jingle Jangle.
and no sleep.
Kelli: And because he thinks everything is about him.
Mary: He doessss. It's so annoying.
Kelli: Also, during the scene where Archie tells Alice, once he leaves we get one of the greatest Betty Cooper reaction shots to date.
Kelli: Alice calls her the 'patron saint of lost causes' and Betty just gives her this look that is like... an indescribably perfect reaction to her mother.
I know I probably won't be able to find a gif of it this soon, but someday I will have it saved.
Mary: That line was so great though, and very true considering how she wants to FIX EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE in this episode.
Kelli: It's true.
Mary: We also have a little scene with the Lodges in their candlelit beautiful apartment, church lighting.
And Veronica, knowing that Pop is considering selling to an anonymous buyer, accuses her dad of buying the restaurant, but he says it's not him.
She also accuses Hiram of attempted murder, because that's the Lodge way.
Kelli: Yeah. He's like 'can't we just talk??"
And she's like, 'OH, WE CAN TALK ALRIGHT. LET'S TALK ABOUT FRED ANDREWS, DADDY.'
Mary: And she brings up this letter that Hiram wrote threatening Hermione.
BUT IN A TWIST HERMIONE SAYS SHE WROTE IT
Kelli: Yeah, that's basically what she thinks is her trump card, she pulls it out, and then Hermione is quiet for like 15 minutes
And then finally says, "I wrote this." And Hiram is like, "yes. She wrote this! We love each other!"
Mary: It's bizarre
And even in the moment it seems fake.
Kelli: There is clearly some weird shit going on.
Mary: And all the Lodges sit and sulk in their mood lighting.
Kelli: And Veronica says they deserve each other and storms out.
Mary: She's not wrong.
Kelli: She's not. But can you blame Hermione? Hiram is so much hotter than Fred.
Mary: Oh man, for sure!
But also maybe evil!
Kelli: If he's evil, so is she. That's the thing.
Mary: They're evil together.
Which is true love!
Mary: Love is real!
Kelli: They're like the Hispanic Malfoys.
Lucius & Narcissa.
Mary: I love it.
Mary: Cut to Jughead and Betty going to plead with Cheryl Blossom and her mom in person.
Kelli: At the "Thistle House"
Which looks like the cottage the witch in Hansel and Gretel cooks children in.
Mary: Also, Cheryl greets Jughead by calling him hobo?
That just feels rude.
Kelli: Cheryl is nothing if not rude.
Mary: A queen.
But a rude queen.
Kelli: Anyway, they go inside and sit at the table.
Where Penelope is, looking surprisingly well for having been covered in 3rd degree burns.
Much like Fred, her recovery is coming along swimmingly.
Mary: Yeah, she's making a quick recovery just like Fred!
But it's clear Cheryl is in charge here.
Kelli: Yes. So Jughead and Betty ask them to have mercy, and Cheryl and her mom are like NAHHH
And Penelope says if it were up to her, FP would go straight to the electric chair.
Which, what year are you living in, Penelope
Mary: and also
WHAT DID HE DO
Kelli: Like, he was involved in Jason's murder in that he gave him drugs to sell??
And he also took the body to the basement, I think?
But yeah, Cheryl's dad made him, so.
Mary: Something I missed in the last episode, but caught on a rewatch:
Cheryl said that she'd tell everyone "what really happened" in the barn where her dad died.
Did Penelope kill him?
Kelli: Oooh, possibly.
Or maybe there was some kind of sex scandal involving maple syrup.
The world may never know
Mary: We can only hope
Kelli: So basically they refuse, and outside Jughead is like "I would resort to blackmail or extortion but they're literally a widow and an orphan."
Oh, we forgot to mention that the reason Archie tells Alice about Grundy is he wants her to talk to the autopsy dude, who she refers to as "my ghoulish friend."
Mary: I want a ghoulish friend
That sounds fun
Kelli: So we get a brief scene of her showing up to learn that Grundy was killed in a "crime of passion."
No one is satisfied with this answer, least of all Archie, who is about to get some drugs from Reggie.
Reggie, who decided it would be funny to dress up like the killer and creep around Archie's house
Kelli: And then he's like, "what's the big deal man??"
Like... did you really think he wouldn't freak out?
So Archie attacks him and throws him to the ground.
Mary: with his baseball bat
Kelli: And Reggie is like "so you're going to do this to a guy with a gun? Have fun with that"
Mary: And I did not disagree!
Bat v gun, who will win
Kelli: Reggie managing to be stupid and logical in the same two minute span.
Mary: It's the jingle jangle.
Mary: Betty decides to just confront Cheryl on her own terms in the locker room one day
And Cheryl is wearing a matching bra and panty lingerie set
Which...do 15 year olds have those?
Kelli: High school, am I right?
She also has incredible boobs.
I just have to say
Cheryl is fucking hot
Even if she is Pennywise.
Mary: If it were high school for real she'd be wearing panties out of a 6 pack and a bralette from target.
Kelli: Exactly. MAYBE some cute panties from Forever 21.
But that's only if you're having your boyfriend over to fool around.
Mary: Betty tells Cheryl that if the blossoms don't forgive FP, she'll release the video of Jason's death to the wooooorld.
And Cheryl says, "You're a stone cold bitch, Betty Cooper."
Kelli: This all takes place in front of Cheryl's open locker, which looks like a glowing and majestic pink womb.
Mary: It's very cozy in there.
Kelli: Betty just rolls her eyes and leaves.
I think Cheryl is turned on
But I can't be sure.
Mary: You can never be sure with Cheryl.
Kelli: I would really like it if Cheryl was into girls.
I feel like that could work well.
Mary: It would be an interesting addition to the show, I think.
I think Cheryl just likes Cheryl though
and maybe her dead brother.
Kelli: And Jason yeah
You know there are so many fanfics.
Mary: Jughead and Veronica contemplate the nature of evil for a bit. And I'm hoping the show isn't trying to make them a thing.
Kelli: Ugh yeah. I saw it more as a friendship moment.
Mary: I hope
Kelli: Basically they are just talking about their shared daddy issues.
get over it, Veronica.
Kelli: It seems like the two of them have the least strong bond out of everyone in the group so it makes sense to give them some more time to get closer.
Anyway, Jughead basically tells her that she's lucky her dad is out of jail and if there's even a small chance he's good, she should try to see that.
Mary: I agree with Jughead! We're also reminded—and I'm definitely one of the ones that forgot—that Ms. Grundy was kind of on the run from a dark past. Archie wonders if he's crazzzzzzy.
Kelli: Right. He goes to the sheriff to talk to him and let him know about Grundy's abusive ex, who he thinks may have killed her after finding out about Archie—because the murder weapon was a cello bow that Archie bought for her.
Which... what is a high schooler doing buying a cello bow for a professional musician?
Mary: And when did that happen?
Kelli: Apparently during their TORRID SUMMER AFFAIR
We cut again to Cheryl testifying that she forgives FP but the judge isn't having it, so Cheryl lies, sort of?
Kelli: I mean, is that a lie?
I thought we did see FP being threatened about Jughead.
Mary: It was unclear to me. At the very least, Cheryl said more than she wanted to.
But then we get to the best part of the episode: THE EVENT TO SAVE POPS
Kelli: Which Betty decided to put on after she found out Pop was selling the diner.
Mary: Because it seemed like a good idea.
Kelli: I am completely unclear about how this event is supposed to save a restaurant.
I guess it's a fundraiser, but I didn't think funds were the problem?
Like, the problem is crime?
Mary: The death diner.
Kelli: I guess this event is supposed to help rebuild the reputation in some way.
Mary: We get to see so much in this scene.
Jughead in a 1950s soda jerk outfit, for one
Kelli: I was just typing that
It's so ridiculous
Because he's still wearing the beanie.
Mary: It was the HIGHLIGHT of the episode for me
We also get to see Josie and the Pussycats sing "Milkshake."
Kelli: Right, because Betty just told everyone they would perform without asking.
Just counting on the fact that they wouldn't want to let people down.
Which, kinda fucked up move, Betty.
Mary: oh for sure
like, she wasn't wrong? But it's still rude.
Kelli: Earlier we saw Josie join the River Vixens in a sort of throw away scene.
So Cheryl is like "Well since you're a river vixen, let me be a pussycat!" and they get up on the roof, somehow, and perform Milkshake.
An impressive setup for a band that didn't plan on performing five minutes beforehand.
Mary: It seems unsafe
did they have a permit for that?
being on the roof?
Kelli: Does Riverdale HAVE Permits?
Mary: A TOWN OF SECRETS
Kelli: I think permits are probably a non-issue in this town
Kelli: I wrote here in my notes:
My aesthetic is Alice Cooper walking through the doors of a party and hitting balloons out of the way.
Also in this scene Alice is getting the scoop on jingle jangle.
Kelli: Alice shows up basically to be one-woman TMZ
Mary: and Hiram and Hermione talk about how they BOUGHT POPS
just BOUGHT IT
and that Hermione DID NOT WRITE THE LETTER.
Kelli: Yes, because they come in and are like
"We're just here to be supportive, mija!"
And Veronica is like "Alright. I'm giving you guys another chance. No more secrets." And they're like "NO SECRETS!"
Mary: The show goes 0-100 very quickly here.
Kelli: At which point they sit down and talk about all the secrets.
Mary: SO MANY SECRETS
Kelli: Hiram is like, thanks for lying, babe. You my numba one.
I think Hermione probably grabs his dick under the table then but that's neither here nor there
Mary: Later, after performing on the roof, Cheryl shows her mom the video of Jason getting murdered to "bring her peace."
Penelope wears a FABULOUS TURBAN while watching.
Kelli: Why would watching your husband murder your son bring you peace?
Mary: IT WONT
It is the opposite I think.
Kelli: God Cheryl
Mary: In some little short end scenes, we see that the Lodges have a new, young, hot butler
and that FP warns against the snake charmer.
Kelli: He calls Jughead and is like
'JUGHEAD WHAT DID YOU DO WHAT DID YOU DO OMG WHAT DID YOU DO'
and then hangs up.
Mary: Very vague, FP.
I guess he didn't have much time
Collect call and all.
Kelli: In the diner, Alice takes a bunch of photos of the serpents and also the drug deal occurring in the parking lot.
Mary: As you said, she is the Riverdale TMZ.
Kelli: Yes. Then, as the benefit comes to an end, Pop is like
THANKS BETTY FOR SAVING THE DINER!
YOU DID IT!
Mary: She literally did not
Kelli: Literally the Lodges bought it but okay
That works I guess
Let Betty have her moment.
Mary: Let her feel good about it.
Kelli: Anyway, as they're wrapping up, Alice comes over to Betty like
Do you have any idea how many drug deals just happened? Basically this town is extra crime-ridden now because of the Lodges and the Serpents and somehow IT'S YOUR FAULT
Which seems a little extreme.
Mary: She is INSANE
Kelli: And then, yes, the gun rendezvous.
Mary: Archie buys a gun from Dilton
because I guess he decided a bat really isn't going to do the job.
Kelli: Smart move, Archiekins.
Archie takes the gun and says "I'm not crazy" as he slowly slips it into his jacket.
Mary: BUT HE IS CRAZY
WE ALL KNOW
Kelli: We alllll know.
According to Jughead's narration, though
This is the night Archie finally sleeps
only to wake up to a "LIVING NIGHTMARE."
Mary: Yes what is the nightmare
Kelli: Midge and Moose are eating some kind of pixie stick drug
And then they start making out.
Mary: It's jingle jangle I bet
Kelli: Probably. And then, as always happens when you make out in the middle of the night in a car in the woods...
Mary: DUN DUN DUN
Kelli: They're murdered.
BY THE MASKED GUNMAN.
Kelli: I'm really hoping that every episode this season ends with a murder.
We're two for two.
Mary: They're gonna go through so many characters that way though.
Kelli: Well they JUST Introduced Midge, and she's already dead.
Mary: and she's actually a character who recurs in the comic, as is Moose.
Kelli: Once again: this is like Game of Thrones.
Mary: I'm here for it.
Kelli: I was surprised they killed Moose because I expected more to happen with him and Kevin.
Mary: Oh man, me too.
I was hoping that would get resolved.
Kelli: But also I just hope Joaquin comes back.
What a hottie.
Mary: I liked him
a gang guy with a heart of gold.
Kelli: He was the best looking dude on the show.
Do we have any predictions?
Mary: Hm....I'm not sure. It's hard to tell where this is going.
More people have to die, I think.
Kelli: I'm gonna go ahead and say this is not about Archie and the killer is Betty’s dad.
Mary: I'm left with one burning question this week
Will Veronica get with the new butler?
Kelli: Or will she conduct an investigation into the death of Smithers
Who I'm sure is dead.
Mary: Yeah he is probably dead
He knows too much.
Kelli: Everything is possible, in Riverdale.
Okay, I guess that wraps it up this week!
Come back next week for more hot takes
And jingle jangle
Kelli: Did we have any hot takes?
Smithers is dead
Kelli: SMITHERS, PEOPLE
--Kelli & Mary
About the Blog
The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.