Season 6, episode 3 of Are You the One continued to bring the drama, the break-ups, the humor, the drinking, the rapping to the ukulele... basically anything anyone could ever want in an episode. I absolutely did not mind watching this episode more than once to give you all my very deep and insightful analysis of this group of Instagram fame whores.
Seriously, guys, this show is so fun, but I do wonder how much brain power I'm wasting keeping all 22 of these contestants' names and relationship stats in my head. But, you know, it's worth it if it brings the readers a few minutes of joy. I do it for you.
Let's get into this, shall we?
When we last left our group of beautiful relationship-challenged twenty-somethings, Anthony and Geles were headed into the Truth Booth, and I was split on whether they would be a perfect match or not. But then at the beginning of this episode, Tyler says, "It's going to be a perfect match. I'm going to put my life on it."
I don't need to explain reality tv editing to you people. If someone bets their life on something, it's not going to come to pass. I didn't even need to see the results of the Truth Booth. I knew Anthony and Geles were going to be no match. Thankfully, my boyfriend Tyler lives on.
As an aside, I recently discovered Tyler's hilarious twitter account, where he does live tweets of the show every week. You best believe I will be checking that out.
Anyhow, Anthony and Geles are not a match. This hurts my heart, and for the first time ever I’m stopping and thinking… wait, why is the money more important than making meaningful connections with other people? I mean, we're talking about splitting one million dollars between twenty-two people. And that's before taxes.
I just don't know. Maybe I've been watching too many episodes of the new Love Connection reboot, where choosing love over money is the way to go if you don't want to get vilified on national television. But then again, that's just money for yourself. When you start messing with other people's money, regardless of how much we're talking about, things get dicey.
Later that same night, Tyler and Ethan join forces to perform a rap set to ukulele music. This might sound terrible to some, but it was amazing. Now let me break this down for you. Dude singing and playing guitar = major turn off. Please pack your bags and leave immediately. Dude singing and playing ukulele = Tyler, why aren't we married yet? Are you guys feeling a theme this week? I love Tyler.
Also, the fact that the show has time to include this type of goofing around that isn't central to the house drama tells me this group of contestants is finding their matches FAST. We get these gems because MTV has to drag out the episodes as much as possible. Yes, I'm sticking with this theory.
Next, there is a match-up ceremony, which I will get to later. When I started planning out these recaps, I always imagined match up ceremonies would happen at the end of the episode, but AYTO is messing with my flow. So before we get there, let's rapid fire break down other important moments in the episode, okay?
Apparently Nicole is "friend-zoning" Tyler because she thinks it's too easy to talk to him and if you really like someone, you should feel uncomfortable and shy. Honey, no, when you're actually compatible with someone, it should feel fun and easy to talk to them. It shouldn't be so awkward that all you can say is, "I like dogs." Unless you're Ben Z. from Bachelor in Paradise; then all you can ever say is "I like dogs," and it's totally chill because you're a beautiful man.
After the match up ceremony, Michael tries to stir up shit in the most transparent way possible, by actually walking up to people and telling them they're not perfect matches. Kareem gets angry because he says Michael is trying to "orchestrate" a break up between him and Alivia, but to me orchestrating something suggests some level of subtlety which, like, Michael just does not possess.
Speaking of Michael, he gets a date with Audrey this week, and he reveals to her that he only wants to be married once. Audrey's all, "OMG ME TOO! We have so much in common." That’s so cool because most people want to get married multiple times and go through multiple divorces. These two must be a match. (in case it wasn't obvious, JK)
Malcolm and Nurys also get to go on the date this week, and in typical romantic reality tv fashion, all they can seem to talk about is how great they are for each other. Malcolm thinks Nurys has rid him of his player ways for good. He says they're a perfect fit for each other and tells her, "our flow just naturally flew." Okay, I don't know what that means, but I'm stealing it.
New Orleans Watch!
This week, we actually get a reprieve from Bourbon Street. Thank the Lord. What we do get instead is a lot of Fleur de Lis jewelry. The necklaces on the guys seem to be hooked up to microphones so that they can easily go shirtless all day every day. Classy.
Our date this week is a swampy boat ride with a lot of alligators. Not gonna lie. This looks fun. I want to feed some alligators. Ethan says, “I’m a fan of alligators. They have resting bitch face, and they don’t even care about it.” Yeah, of course they don't care. Because they will eat you.
As an aside, on this date Ethan also tells Geles, “You’re one of my favorite people I’ve met, you know… in the last year.” Way to qualify that statement, Ethan. I mean damn.
The Truth Booth
The flow-flewing couple Malcom and Nurys are headed to the Truth Booth this week. I'm going all in and saying I'm 100% certain they aren't a match. They sat together two weeks in a row, and the odds of them being one of the three the first week and the one match the second week are slim to none. From the first match-up ceremony, we know Anthony and Geles were not a match, but I still think I was right about my other two picks Tyler/Nicole and Michael/Keyana. More on that in just a minute.
So yeah... I don't think it's going to turn out well for these two, but I also think a lot of people in the house are pulling for this to be a no match because it means they're more likely to be matches with the people they've been relentlessly boning for the past few days. Also it means DiDi will have her window to swoop in, and I just don't imagine for a second that the drama with DiDi is over.
But, you know, like... good luck to these kids, I guess? We'll find out next week how it all plays out. Right now I'm 0 for 1 in my Truth Booth predictions, but I'm feeling pretty confident.
The Match-Up Ceremony
Mtv really had me going there. I almost thought it was going to be a black out this week. Alexis proclaims, "If we black out, I'm going to punch everyone in the fucking face." Okay hold on. Alexis, if y'all black out though, isn't that partially your fault for sitting with the same moron you sat with last week? I'm just saying. Take a look at yourself.
But the kids get one beam.
Don't get me wrong. Keyana and Michael are terrible for each other, but they're both really shallow awful people who I wouldn't wish on anyone else. So for this reason, I am sticking to my assertion from last week that they were one of the three beams in the first match-up ceremony. That means they were the ONLY match in this week's ceremony. Wow.
But let's peek into Keyana and Michael's relationship for a moment here. It's not going great. Keyana is actually stalking Michael this whole episode. Hovering over him. Watching him cook. Watching him get changed. Following him around the house. When Michael tries to escape her by turning to the sweet sweet release of sleep, Keyana says, “Can I take a nap with you?”
Michael's reply? “We’ll see.” It's never a good sign when someone says we'll see. Keyana, let me translate this for you since you seem to be missing it. When Michael says, "We'll see," that doesn't mean he's madly in love with you. What he really means is, "Get the hell away from me please." I know, words are hard.
Keyana also calls Michael "Daddy" in this episode. So if Michael didn't want to run before, he definitely should now. Ladies, can we not? First, we had DiDi calling Malcolm Papi, and now we have Keyana calling Michael "Daddy." How is that pet name working out for either of these girls? Let me answer that for you. It's not. It's gross. Ladies, if you have daddy issues, can you at least be a little more chill about it? That would be great. Thanks.
Are You Emily's One?
This week, the coveted award of Emily's one goes to Uche. Yes, I know I gushed about Tyler for the majority of this recap, but Uche really stood out to me this week. She's a gorgeous woman who also seems intelligent and confident in herself. While other girls are falling over themselves to get Clinton to give them the time of day, Uche remains cool about bagging one of the most coveted men in the house. She also doesn't mind calling Clinton on his shit, which is amazing. Let's be real; Clinton is an extreme narcissist, and Uche is not afraid to make fun of him for it, forcing him to reexamine himself.
I still don't think she and Clinton are a perfect match though. I feel like Uche would be a good match for any of these dudes because she's just an all-around badass.
And with that, I bid you farewell until the next dramatic episode of Are You the One. Watch along with me on your television or on MTV.com, and I'll see you next time!
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The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.