For two insane weeks, Bachelor Universe is going to have to put up with not one, not two, but three nights of Bachelor television. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not sure if my wine budget can handle two nights a week of this show on top of the regular Bachelor. Regardless, I will be here to recap all four episodes of the Bachelor Winter Games over these two insane weeks, and I'll even live tweet when I have nothing better to do with my time. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Like the rest of Bachelor Universe (we're a universe now, btw. We were a nation and then this show happened and introduced us to the International Bachelor contestants. Next season on Winter Games, I fully expect The Bachelor: Mars to participate), I had no idea what to expect from this show. After watching two episodes, I still have no idea to expect. So similar to the format of the show itself, the format of my recaps is going to be... nonexistent. I'm just going to chat about whatever moves me. Hold on tight.
In the first episode of this godforsaken show, we're introduced to some of the contestants. Michael G. swears he was there, but after two episodes, that still has yet to be seen.
Dean the Fuckboy is back, and he swears he's learned from his past mistakes, even though he was still trying to play Kristina after BiP aired. Fuck you, Dean. Kristina for Bachelorette.
In order to show how grown up Dean is now, The Bachelor offers us this very real video footage of Dean trying to decide between ramen or spaghetti. I don't know how to take this. Is D Lo ramen and Kristina spaghetti? Are we supposed to be proud that he knows how to make a choice now? Who’s to say he didn’t pick one for the camera and just ended up eating BOTH and not telling the other noodles?
I watched these two episodes with my fiancé Ben M. (not to be confused with "America's Greatest Bachelor" Ben H.), so I will try to color my recaps with a couple of his better observations. For instance, when Ashley announced that "A Virgin's Gotta Do What A Virgin's Gotta Do," Ben M. asked, "What does that mean? Have sex?" And when Ashley called Kevin the Canadian Ben Higgins, Ben M. asked, incredulous, "Wait, so there's a Canadian Ben Higgins and an actual Ben Higgins?" There are just too many Bens in this franchise and in my apartment.
Speaking of Ben H., I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here, but did Ben somehow get hot? Has he been working out? Is it just the haircut? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? This dude is a Republican!
In Ben's intro package, he explains that he and Lauren B. just "faded apart." I have no idea what it means to fade apart. Can someone explain?
After (some of) the Americans are introduced through your standard Bachelor intro packages, the international contestants join us by way of a Bachelor Winter Games Parade because of course they do. From the comfort of our couch, Ben M. watches the parade and asks the hard-hitting questions: "Where are they shooting this? Somewhere very white. Look at all these white folks. Did they specifically move black people? Where are all the black people? Where is anybody?”
Re: the lack of diversity in this particular cast: it's not like The Bachelor has ever been known for its diversity, but in the past year or so I feel like the show is slowly realizing people of color deserve love too (shocker). Nevertheless, The Bachelor: Winter Games is pretty fucking white. I've heard through the grapevine that Donald Trump's Travel Ban might be partially responsible for the lack of diversity in the international contestants. Like, seriously, some of them just couldn't even obtain a visa to come to America to do the show. So if you didn't already hate that guy, here you go.
As soon as Christian the German is introduced, Ben M. says, "This guy is going to cause some problems. Turns out, he's not wrong.
After all the international contestants show up, there's a weird Bachelor Anthem. This is the point in the show where I regret signing up to live tweet because I had to watch these musical acts live and could not fast forward like I normally would. I hate musical acts. With a passion.
I found out later that a high schooler wrote and performed the anthem, so I felt a little bad about making fun of it on Twitter, but not really. High schoolers deserve to be made fun of. I'm not taking that back. They're the worst. All of them.
Trista and Ryan show up to light a torch or something, and no one fucking cares.
Back at the Bachelor Cabin (?), the contestants realize they only have two weeks to fall in love, so everything is going down at lightning speed. Josiah immediately gravitates to the girl with the biggest booty. Good for him.
Clare, one of my personal faves, is back. She previously announced her retirement from the Bachelor franchise, but that was before she realized there were hot Bachelor dudes from other countries she had yet to bone. She makes out with Canadian Treasure Benoit, and I'm already campaigning for Benoit to be the next American Bachelor because who among us doesn't want to marry a hot French Canadian with sexy glasses and escape this hellhole of a country?
Lesley (my other fave) starts macking on Dean The Fuckboy. She explains to him that, "whatever you can break down, you can build up again." GUYS, she's talking about her boobs.
The first Winter Game of the season is a biathlon. It's boring. I'm really just waiting for the figure skating episode because that's the only Winter Game I care about. So skipping ahead to the end... Kevin and Becca win, and instead of Olympic medals, they get date cards, which was actually kind of cute.
Kevin takes Bibiana on a date. Ashley is sad. Ashley is in love with Kevin because he looks like Tom Brady, which is a weird reason to love someone. That would be enough to make me want to murder someone, but to each her own.
Ashley ugly cries about not getting the date with this dude she met two hours ago, which makes me think Ashley has never had any true hardship in her life. If anything really serious had ever happened to this girl, she wouldn't be crying about trivial shit like this.
Becca takes Luke on a date. We don't really see either of these dates, which is fine by me because I hate Luke Pell so much.
At the end of this thing, there's a weird rose ceremony where people are voted off. I feel like if you won the Winter Game of the week, you should have immunity from these eliminations. But that probably makes too much sense, doesn't it?
Some people go home. It doesn't matter. The only one I'm going to miss is Eric Bigger. I guess it wasn't miracle season after all.
Update: Clare is officially in a love triangle. That's going to be what most of this episode is about. The obvious pick in this situation would be Benoit, the perfect French Canadian, but Clare needs therapy so clearly she's not going to pick him.
No shade to people who need therapy, btw. I talk to a therapist. I just really want Clare to get some help because I love her and want to see her do better for herself. She clearly has some unresolved issues with losing her father, and even though she seems to know her self-worth, she doesn't seem to understand how to follow through and stand up for herself. Every time I think she's getting it, she slides back into her old ways. Help yourself, Clare! More on this later.
Update #2: Ashley is still obsessed with Kevin. Today, she says that Kevin "looks like the hockey bro that you’re obsessed with.” Again, speak for yourself, Ashley. I'm not obsessed with any hockey bros. Most of their faces are permanently broken anyway.
Ben H., who is quickly becoming the Bachelor Cabin (?)'s resident big brother, says that he hopes Ashley hasn't found her next serial crush.
Welp. She has.
The Winter Game for this episode is Speed Skating. Everyone is freaking out about the dudes wearing skin tight shit but that’s seriously how women are expected to dress all the time, so fuck you.
In a surprise twist, the worst skaters are forced to compete in the final round, which is way more entertaining. Nobody tunes into this to watch people be good at sports. If we wanted to do that, we would flip the channel and watch, like, the actual Olympics.
The male finals are all Americans because apparently Americans are just as lazy and useless as the rest of the world thinks we are. Ben's teeth are chattering, so I call B.S. on him still living in Denver. Clearly he's in L.A. now and is no longer used to this kind of weather. Stop putting Denver on his chyron. He hasn't earned it.
Dean wins the date card and is still an asshole. The foreign woman with the insane Barbie lips also wins a date card. Oh right her name is Stassi. She looks like a Bond villain.
Speaking of people who look like Bond villains, back in the Bachelor Cabin (I'm just going with this now), a random kiwi with a hot accent is awaiting the rest of the contestants. He blames Donald Trump for his lateness, which is probably fair. His name is Jordan.
Everyone immediately hates this dude because he flipped a coin to pick his final lady on his season of The Bachelor New Zealand. I think that sounds amazing and I need to see this season ASAP. Ben M. says, "Maybe instead of flipping a coin, he should have just told the host, 'Surprise me!'" Honestly, that's the best idea ever.
Ashley sicks Ben H. "America's Greatest Bachelor" on Jordan because, again, Ben is the big brother of the cabin. Seriously though my mind is still reeling from Ashley giving Ben the title of America's Greatest Bachelor just because they're BFFs/host a podcast together. Everyone knows the World's Greatest Bachelor is Juan Pablo. More on him later.
Meanwhile, my two favorite ladies Lesley and Clare are chilling in a bathtub with their swimsuits on. I seem to remember earlier Clare making plans with Christian to meet in the hot tub? Is this what Clare thinks a hot tub is? Just a bath tub with hot water? I am so confused.
Oh, so it turns out the hot tub is already full, so I guess these resourceful modern women decided to make their own hot tub. But it doesn't matter because Christian is still waiting for Clare downstairs and he is pissed. Christian's all, "In Germany when we say we go in the jacuzzi, it's a date." Apparently, this comes up a lot in Germany.
BUT THE REAL TRAGEDY IS THAT THERE IS PIZZA ON THAT KITCHEN COUNTER AND NOBODY IS EATING IT! CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT? In America, when we make a pizza, we eat the pizza.
Okay, let's take a breather from jacuzzi-gate and the Clare love triangle for a hot second. What else happens in this episode? Stassi and Luke go on a date and Dean and Lesley go on a date.
Ben M., the Bachelor historian of our apartment, points out that this hot tub/chopping wood date is the same date Luke went on with Jo Jo. Also Luke is having a 100% sincere conversation about Paul Bunyan, which is apparently what it means to connect to someone on a deeper emotional level. I cannot with him. Can people stop taking him on dates so I can stop looking at him?
I'm annoyed because Dean and Lesley are really cute together. I want to keep hating Dean the Fuckboy, but it seems like maybe Lesley can be the one to actually shake him from his Fuckboy ways. When Dean acts standoffish on their date together, Lesley calls him out on that shit and tells him to man up. Maybe Dean just needed an older woman to boss him around. Lesley is my hero.
Back at the cabin, Ashley is all, "Haaay Kevin aka hockey bro aka Tom Brady, I'm in love with you. Can you please break up with Bibiana now?" And Kevin is all, "Okay." He goes to talk to Bibi, which is apparently what people call her (I don't care because I find her annoying AF. Unpopular opinion, I know, but whatevs). We don't see any of his conversation with Bibi. Suddenly, Ashley and Kevin are engaged.
Bibiana moves on fast as well. Just last night, she was like, "I could see myself falling in love with Kevin," but now she's got her tongue down Jordan's throat. Who can resist that accent? I get it.
Okay back to the Clare drama. Poor sweet Benoit feels like Clare has been ignoring him and maybe this is a sign she isn't into him. She says, you know what, you're right. The hearts of Bachelor viewers across the universe collectively break for Benoit. This man is too pure for this world. He decides if he can't have Clare, there's no place for him on this show, and he packs his bag. To make matters worse, guys... IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY!
Also where is Benoit's coat? He looks cold.
I do want to say, however, that The Bachelor producers made a point of showing us Benoit telling Clare, "Ees okay," before he makes his exit. This is clearly triggering for Clare after her encounters with Juan Pablo.
Andi gets it. Clare has been through some shit. No one needs to hear that phrase ever again after being around Juan Pablo for an entire Bachelor season. But no, Clare doesn't just get it from Benoit. Later as she and Christian continue to bicker about the Jacuzzi, Christian tells her "it's okay," a BAJILLION times (exactly a bajillion. I counted).
Clearly Clare has a type. Again, I reiterate she needs therapy.
The rose ceremony happens. The men get to pick this time because this show has no rules Two women I don't even remember leave, I think? Clare accepts the rose from Christian even though she said she wasn't going to put up with his shit anymore. Why? Because she needs therapy. Are you sensing a theme?
Okay, I gotta wrap this up. I'll be tuning in next week though, and then I'll be back to do this again next weekend because I, like Clare, never learn.
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The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.