2017 is drawing to a close, which means it's almost January, and almost time for the The Bachelor. The Squad has always approached The Bachelor franchise with varying levels of enthusiasm (meaning everyone is enthusiastic except for Kelli), but the 22nd season is a special kind of bummer, as it's centered around less-than-ideal Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Junior. Come January 1st, we will be subject to approximately four hundred hours worth of some white dude's legendary make-out skills. Now is the winter of our discontent. Full stop.
Though we're disappointed in The Bachelor himself, we have reached a stage of acceptance (you can read Susan's blog post about the process here). Anyway, Arie's not so important — the Squad is all about girl power, and we're still excited to watch 29 women forge long-lasting friendships and drink lots of free alcohol. The cast of the 2018 season has been revealed, and we're here to offer our first impressions. Check them out after the cut.
Ali, 27, Personal Stylist
Kelli - Gurl, you’re right: it is deeply, deeply embarrassing that you listen to Nickelback. Is Nickelback alone enough for me to fully root against someone? Probably.
Emily - You know what you can do if you’re embarrassed about listening to Nickelback? Stop listening to Nickelback.
Mary - Giiiiiiiiiirl, Nickelback? I’m sorry, but I stopped reading there. This is also a good time to establish how BONKERS these questions are.
Susan - True story: I went to a Nickelback concert once with a boyfriend. I, too, am embarrassed. This is actually the most interesting thing in her bio, which is saying something.
Amber, 29, Business Owner
Kelli - When asked what fictional character she would like to be, Amber chose Ariel because “she’s a beautiful mermaid that can sing and gets to marry Prince Eric, what a stud.” Those are… not the right reasons.
Emily - The most outrageous thing she’s ever done is hold a snake. This girl is boring. She was in Thailand for fuck’s sake, and the coolest thing she did was hold a snake? We have a pet python. I could hold one of those back home in America any day of the week. Also Prince Eric is not all that.
Mary - But What kind of business does she own? I want to know. It’s hard to get a full idea of these girls because, to me, they all look the same. Mostly blonde, probably competitive dancers like Amber, here. I’m not super interested.
Susan - She reminds me of Becca Tilley for some reason. And of ALL the fictional characters in the world, she picked Ariel? Ariel?!
Annaliese, 32, Event Designer
Kelli - This girl seems pretty solid. I agree with her food choices, and I like ⅔ of the celebrities she lists as people she’d like to be for a day. She also apparently watches Futurama which is unexpected and cute. And she’s 32 - a reasonable age for our 35 year old Bachelor.
Emily - The fact that all of these women in their 30’s still want to be Disney princesses really disturbs me.
Mary - Let’s get this out of the way right now--she can’t live without avocados? Really?? Also, yes, it’s kind of creepy that they all want to be princesses. Last season all the contestants wanted to be dolphins, so I guess we’ve found this season’s theme.
Susan - She seems like a good one. The only answer that’s throwing me is the princess thing. I respect that cheese is one of the things she can’t live without. Same, girl.
Ashley, 25, Real Estate Agent
Kelli - First of all, I have to question why anyone would choose to live in West Palm Beach. Or Anywhere in Florida, TBH. However - I feel you on the laundry, Ashley. It is also my least favorite household chore. Hey, guys - do they ask the dudes on The Bachelorette what their least favorite household chores are? Just wondering.
Emily - I’m gonna say no on the household chore thing. Also, I kind of like laundry because it’s like getting brand new clothes all over again. Is that weird?
Mary - How do you feel about people wanting to live in NYC, Kelli? Lots of them seem to be into your stomping grounds. I think she’s cute, but maybe a little young?
Kelli - GREATEST CITY ON EARTH.
Susan - OK, she is gorgeous. Why am I supposed to care what her least favorite chore is? Do you think Arie wanted this question in there so he could see who would be willing to iron his stupid shirts?
Becca K., 27, Publicist
Kelli - SISTER ACT 2???? Something is not right with this woman.
Emily - This girl is actually obsessed with Sister Act 2. She also has crazy eyes.
Mary - I love how she says, “I don’t find it embarrassing at all!” that she’s obsessed with Sister Act. Why. WHY.
Susan - Her top three movies are so random. How did Sister Act 2 and Gladiator make it onto the same list? Props for remembering the importance of bobby pins on the “can’t live without” list.
Bekah M., Nanny
Kelli - She’s cute, and seems to be one of the only girls here with short hair, which I dig. I like that she’s into art, obviously. Her age isn’t listed, though… that seems mysterious.
Emily - She has short hair, which suggests to me she will be gone quickly. I’m into her though because she binge watches reality tv and eats popcorn in place of meals, which just sums up my entire life.
Mary - I really appreciate that she has short hair--I don’t think I’ve ever seen a contestant with short hair before! I agree with Emily that she won’t stay for long, though. I hate to be the one to say it, but douchey looking guys like we often see on The Bachelor hate short hair because they just don’t believe women should make the decision to, you know, WEAR THEIR HAIR HOW THEY WANT.
Susan - Loving her hair, first of all. And the way she spells Bekah. I like all of her answers, and we have similar fears. I’m nervous that she is like 22 though, and there’s no way to know because it doesn’t say her age! But she does look 24 at max.
Kelli - He'll pick her and the big reveal will be: I'M SIXTEEN AND YOU'RE ARRESTED
Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant
Kelli - She won my over with her hatred for football. I like that she specifies that she wants to be a FREE orca.
Emily - Okay, this is a weird name. I just keep thinking of baby bibs. Sorry. The hatred of football does the opposite for me, actually. Get outta here with your football hate.
Mary - I’m very into her obsession with pimple popping. I get it! It’s gross, but weirdly soothing. I wonder if that’ll come up on the show. I agree, though, Emily. She has a strange name.
Susan - She wants to live in the ocean but is most afraid of sharks? Does she know sharks live in the ocean?
Bri, 25, Sports Reporter
Kelli - While I do kind of hate sports, I think it’s cool that she’s a Sports Reporter. She seems like she’s passionate about that, and it’s nice to see someone with an occupation they really love. Also, she includes Barack on her lunch date list, which I respect.
Emily - She seems really cool and interesting. I feel like we would be friends, which probably means she won’t be around for long.
Mary - Um...What did she win an emmy for? Sports reporting? I’m confused.
Kelli - Little known fact: THE EMMYS ARE NOT JUST WHAT YOU SEE ON THE BROADCASTED AWARDS SHOW. They have Emmys for all kinds of shit in TV. My dad has won three for editing!
Susan - Her headshot looks like she walked right off a pageant stage and into Bachelor casting. But we share a favorite movie, and she said Barack Obama on her lunch question, which is a solid choice.
Brittane J., 27, Marketing Manager
Emily - Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders, and Beyonce are solid choices for dinner guests. I would like to be at that dinner. She seems pretty cool, too. I like that she wants to be Samantha from Bewitched rather than a Disney princess. BTW, as a side note, Moana is the only acceptable Disney princess to want to be.
Mary - Can we talk about her PERFECT EYEBROWS?! They’re wonderful. I really want to be her friend. I mean, she likes Bewitched and wants to have dinner with Whitney Houston? I want to know this girl.
Kelli - She’s hot. Also lol @ her worst date. So typical.
Susan - I’m actually not into her eyebrows. They’re like...too perfect, which just makes me wonder what they really look like. Solid lunch guests.
Brittany T., Tech Recruiter
Emily - She’s kinda boring, but solid choice in food there with the ramen and the pizza.
Mary - I like that she likes corgis? I guess? I’m not sure. She does seem kind of boring, and she kind of looks like she wants to be Ariana Grande.
Kelli - I think she’s cute! I like that she isn’t shy about calling the last two men she’s dated “terrible human beings.”
Susan - Now these eyebrows are working a bit better for me. Again, very solid lunch choices, and she is super beautiful.
Caroline, 26, Realtor
Emily - So “the redhead from Riverdale” could be a lot of people. Does she want hair like Archie’s? Cheryl’s? I just don’t know.
Mary - HER PLANT’S NAME IS PHIL. WHAT. Also, that redhead has a name and it’s CHERYL.
Kelli - It’s DEFINITELY Cheryl. I dig that she named her plant but I hate the concept of “dancing in the rain,” because that’s one of those things that sounds a lot more fun and romantic than it actually is.
Susan - She thought too hard about the lunch thing, and it didn’t pay off. One of the things marriage means to her: “It means never being too old to be silly or dance in the rain.” UGH.
Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Executive Assistant
Mary - “Life is less complicated when medium.” What does that even mean? I’m bored.
Emily - France is not a city, for the record.
Kelli - Yeah, my only real comment was going to be about France.
Susan - She lost me at calling France a city.
Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator
Emily - She seems pretty normal. I like that she likes animals.
Mary - I like her curly hair! I’m kind of eye rolling that she wants to have a meal with David Foster Wallace because that seems like the sort of thing people say when they want to sound smart but aren’t really.
Kelli - Also rolling my eyes about DFW and Thomas Jefferson (WHY???) but she looks like Winona Ryder and likes big kitties, so I’m gonna give her the benefit of the doubt. Side note: am I the only person who can no longer see the name Jacqueline without thinking of Keegan-Michael Key saying “JaQUELLin”?
Susan - Weird that we go from C all the way to J alphabetically with no one in between. Anyway, she’s really pretty. I think she’s got a solid and realistic answer to the marriage question. I dig an intellectual gal, so she’s good with me.
Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager
Emily - This girl is basic AF.
Mary - Meh. I feel kind of meh about Friends. Also, is everyone blonde? Do guys only like blonde girls?
Kelli - Mary, duh, of course guys only like blonde girls. Everyone knows that. Anyway, I have nothing to add here. I think Jenna is the most boring girl so far.
Susan - Friends is kind of a comforting show for me though, so like, I get it. She’s from my home state, and I wish she was more interesting.
Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer
Emily - Who the fuck is Lola Bunny? I had to Google that shit. Also she says “keeps up with the boys” like that’s hard. When are the boys going to try to keep up with us?
Mary - Aw man, Emily! SPACE JAM! A classic. Her appreciation of Space Jam is the only thing I like about her.
Kelli - LOLA BUNNY ARE YOU KIDDING! I was so obsessed with her as a kid that I used to wear white gloves and carry a basketball around my house pretending to be her. I have to admit I’m fond of this girl for that reason alone. Also, she’s a graphic designer, which for some reason I think is cool. God knows why.
Susan - Well, I’m gonna get blonde Jenna and blonde Jenny mixed up for sure.
Jessica, 26, Television Host
Emily - Kissing is her favorite food. I’m not sure what that means. I guess it means she’s an aggressive kisser. She’s probably the type who leads with tongue. And maybe she eats her boyfriends and that’s why she’s single. That’s all I can figure.
Mary - Yeah, kissing is not a food. I mean, kissing is great and all but like…
Emily - You still gotta eat.
Kelli - I like it when people say “lol” because it reminds me that they’re filling these things out online. If I ever fill one of these out, I’m going to use a lot of emojis. Also, this girl is probs gonna dig Arie because from what I hear he does a lot of kissing.
Susan - Add blonde Jessica to the list of women I’ll mix up. Is Crossfit really its own “sport”?
Kendall, 26, Creative Director
Emily - She wants to be a bat because apparently bats see beauty in dark things, but I thought bats just saw food in dark things. IDK. I guess food is beautiful, especially if your favorite food is kissing? These girls are weird. Oh, and she’s into taxidermy, so we might have found our crazy lady of the season.
Mary - Star Trek, Zombies, and bats? I’m okay with it. I think these answers are not unlike the ones I’d have.
Kelli - I like her and her weirdness. She also somehow managed to look different from all these other blonde chicks who all look exactly the same - maybe because she reminds me a little of Amber Heard? Also, HEDGEHOG CAFE.
Susan - I like the mix of tangible and intangible things for “can’t live without.” Love that she said “curiosity.” Yes, girl. She collects taxidermy? That’s just fucking weird enough that I need to know more. Hey, where’s Kirk? Anyone remember his taxidermist dad on his hometown date with Ali?
Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach
Emily - She says really annoying things like “thebomb.com” and “sharks are not my jam,” so I hate her.
Mary - I say that sometimes. Oh no. I say all these things.
Kelli - The phrase “can you ever take the country out of a girl?” frightens me.
Susan - I rolled my eyes twice while reading this.
Lauren B., 25, Tech Salesperson
Emily - Never be embarrassed about listening to Taylor Swift. What the hell is wrong with you? Also her name is Lauren B, and someone else already won who was named Lauren B. So she’s out.
Mary - STOP WANTING TO BE DISNEY PRINCESSES
Kelli - I don’t think listening to Taylor Swift is embarrassing since lots of people listen to her, but I DO think Taylor Swift is trash, so… tough call. Also, Elsa? Really?
Susan - HERE COME THE LAURENS. Lauren #1 is boring af.
Lauren G., 26, Executive Recruiter
Mary - Why are there so many Laurens? This seems wrong. And Lauren G is the only one who isn’t blonde. *sigh*
Emily - I hate it when people say things are “meant to be” because that’s bullshit. The world is chaos.
Kelli - I like that she is tilting her head in her pic, it’s cute and different. Also, Oprah is a good choice, for all of the reasons listed but also because she’s rich as fuck.
Susan - Everyone with tats is qualifying them as “small” or “hidden.” Wear that shit proudly, ladies. Another home-state girl who I wish was more interesting.
Lauren J., 33, Recent Masters Graduate
Mary - Yeah, girl, just let those dudes know you like em!
Emily - I like that she’s age appropriate and from Louisiana, because girl that’s my birthplace. I wonder which Great Gatsby movie she’s referring to.
Kelli - I was wondering the exact same thing about Gatsby! Honestly neither of the movies are anywhere near as good as the book, so… I hope she’s read the book? I feel her on the full meals in bed thing, because that’s my lifestyle.
Susan - Are we STILL on the Laurens? Her guilty pleasure is -- as she would say -- legit. Bring on the bed pizza.
Lauren S., 31, Social Media Manager
Mary - Does she know that Texas has cities?
Emily - She loves Harry Potter and Hamilton, so she can sit with us. I’m also noticing an avocado trend this season.
Kelli - I like that her highest athletic achievement is a participation trophy, because same.
Susan - Whew. Last Lauren. I thought this would never end.
Maquel, 23, Photographer
Emily - I feel like she answered all of these questions like I would have answered these questions. So she’s cool.
Kelli - I like that instead of listing physical traits for her ideal mate, she’s just like, “Ryan Gosling.” This is exactly how I would have answered, except “Oscar Isaac.
Susan - I like that she’s into creepy shit. Same.
Mary - American Fork doesn’t sound like a real town to me. Also, I too enjoy that she’s into creepy stuff. BUT I’M SAD SHE LOOKS THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE.
Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner
Emily - I’ve already decided this girl is the hottest one. Also she owns her own Indian restaurant, so marry me please. Dark Shadows was a truly terrible movie though.
Kelli - This girl is hot as fuck. And I didn’t see Dark Shadows because ew, but Beetlejuice and Practical Magic are both excellent and ⅔ aint too shabby.
Susan - Yeah, she’s hot. Like, really hot. Also restaurant owner.
Mary - I think she’s gorgeous! I also love that she’s a restaurant owner--it makes her seem like she really has a life and isn’t just jonesing to get married, you know? I’ll forgive her for Dark Shadows.
Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse
Emily - She seems pretty fun. She likes 80’s horror movies and wants to be Willy Wonka. I hope she means the Gene Wilder version.
Kelli - I loooove that she listed Nightmare on Elmstreet. Also seems like she’s into ~girl power~, so that’s cool.
Susan - Hell yes to the 80s horror movies. And if you’re gonna pick a Disney gal as your fictional character, Mulan is way better than stupid Ariel.
Mary - In her picture (which, I could talk all day about these pictures and how they’re styling the contestants in a weird way), she looks kind of confused? Or nervous? I’m down with the 80s horror movies, though! Also THE SOUND OF MUSIC. A classic!
Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate
Emily - Her favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey? Has she read any other books?
Kelli - I am shook by that answer. She has to be kidding. She has to be.
Susan - WHAT? Stop it, Olivia. I’m gonna mail you some books.
Mary - NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. I am SHOOKETH. She can’t be real. If 50 Shades is your favorite book, you haven’t really read any books.
Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager
Emily - I like that she owns up to being confused by Game of Thrones. A huge sign of intelligence is admitting when you don’t understand things.
Kelli - She seems really cool. I love that she chose an elephant for her animal, and I appreciate the way she answered the question about religion, basically implying that people need to respect each other and not be assholes. Also, she’s incredibly gorgeous.
Susan - Great answer with passport as a can’t-live-without item. I like her. She reminds me of Rachel a little.
Mary - I want to know what in Game of Thrones she’s confused about. It’s not that confusing, is it?
Kelli - LBR, Mary. Everyone man over the age of 50 on GOT looks exactly the same.
Tia, 26, Physical Therapist
Emily - I got nothing. She’s boring.
Kelli - I want to know how you end up at a “random swingers resort.” I feel like there is no way to end up at something so specific “randomly.” Tia: former swinger?
Susan - Kind of looks like Tierra from Sean’s season. Hopefully she’s just as nutso.
Mary - I’m kind of bored here, too. BUT I am loling at her tattoos. I usually don’t like to judge people’s tattoos, but “mama and papa?” Why?
Valerie, 25, Server
Emily - LOL @ “I make great reservations” in response to the “are you a good cook?” question.
Kelli - As soon as I saw this girl’s pic I was like, “she looks like a witch from Buffy,” and then I scrolled down and read that her fave holiday is Halloween, so… fan theory: VALERIE IS A WITCH.
Susan - Wow. She’s stunning. Yes to Halloween every day.
Mary - By this point, I’m tired of looking at contestants, BUT she seems fun. I like your theory she’s a witch, Kelli!
We made it! That was... a lot of white girls, but now at least we know what we're getting into. See you on JanuArie 1st. (Sorry.)
About the Blog
The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.