Wednesdays are extremely long for me. I'm in class until 9:30pm, and by the time I get home, I want to curl up in a ball with my cat and my favorite blanket and never leave the house again. Are You the One is my favorite blanket, guys. It's the thing that brings me peace during times of stress and exhaustion. This show is here for me when I need it, comforting me at the end of the longest day of the week, providing me with a steady supply of joy every time I come to it, and bringing out the Truth-or-Dare-related drama just when things are getting a little too predictable.
What, your blanket doesn't play Truth or Dare with you? Girl, you need a new blanket.
Before we get into the drama that was Chocolate-Sauce-on-Nipple-Gate, we have to take it back to the beginning (of the episode). Y'all, Malcolm and Nurys are not a match. I'm gloating because I finally guessed correctly on one of the Truth Booths. Clinton and Uche are gloating because they think this means they're a match (I'm still going to say nah to this one). Diandra is gloating because this is her chance to swoop in and get into Malcolm's pants... again.
Just look at her face. Diandra is straight up grinning like the Chesire cat in Alice in Wonderland, giving no fucks. On the one hand, I get it. Nurys is the one who stole Diandra's man in the first place, and now she feels vindicated. On the other hand, Diandra, why are you so stuck on this dude who's clearly a douche and ready to dump you the minute someone corners and straddles him in the bathroom? Don't think we forgot about the GIANT BONER from Episode 1. Oh no, I will never be able to forget that moment in television history. And you shouldn't either, DiDi. Move on, girlfriend.
Malcolm comes out of the truth booth crying because now he's so worried he's going to go back to his old player ways. And I just want to shake him and say, "LISTEN! YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR PENIS!" Because he constantly acts like he can't help himself. Like if he doesn't have a girl to set him right, there's no accounting for what his penis will make him do. Honestly, I want to shake all men and tell them this: Your penis is not the boss of you! Fight against the tyranny of your dick!
The Malcom/Diandra/Nurys drama takes up a lot of real estate in this episode. So let me just go ahead and get through the highlights so we can move on. After the truth booth, Diandra tries to be cute by forcing Malcolm to play basketball with her, but she can't even dribble the ball, so once again her attempts to be sexy backfire. At the match-up ceremony, Malcolm doesn't pick Diandra because he doesn't want to piss off Nurys, but I'm not sure what kind of strategy that is. I'm not sure Malcolm is smart enough for strategy. Can penises strategize?
After the match up ceremony, everyone gets drunk as hell (shocker). Malcolm sidles up to Diandra and slurs that he feels like owes her an "explallation." Diandra is equally drunk, so this all makes sense to her. They're both speaking the language of tequila shots.
Finally, this drama culminates with a truth or dare/sumo wrestling game. How do these thing match up? Well, you should really watch and find out, but what you need to know is that the final round of the game has the winner licking chocolate syrup off of Nurys's bare nipple in front of everyone. Nurys is fine with this arrangement. Malcolm is conveniently outside doing laps in the pool. So it all goes down. I smell producer manipulation here, guys, because Malcolm just happens to pop inside right as Michael is lapping chocolate off of Nurys's breast. It's all so dramatic and tragic, and I'm living for it. Thank you, MTV.
So Malcolm is understandably pissed. I can't believe I'm actually agreeing with Malcolm here, but this was a weird thing for Nurys to agree to do. I'm sorry, you couldn't pay me to pull this move on tv in front of everyone in the house, especially while I was ostensibly in a relationship. Just no. Malcolm says to Nurys, “You felt pressured because it was a dare? How old are you? Are you an adult or are you in fucking high school?” Seriously though. I totally agree with Malcolm here.
For a hot minute, I think to myself, wow, maybe Malcolm has really grown from this experience. Maybe he's moving past his player ways.
And then... he grabs Diandra and takes her straight to the Boom Boom Room, and then the Malcolm we've come to know and love is back. Look, I'm all for him exploring a relationship with DiDi, especially since he and Nurys are a confirmed no-match; however, it's shady as hell that he sleeps with her immediately after Nurys did something hurtful to him. If Diandra were a little smarter, she might stop for a minute and think, hey, maybe I'm being used here. Maybe I deserve better. But no, ugh, she's just going to keep forgiving him and it's so frustrating.
So this is a fucking weird ass episode. All of the format changes are really throwing me for a loop here. Accordingly, the format of my posts are just going to deal with that to the best of my ability. We don't get a new Truth Booth this week, so instead I'd like to look at the Challenge more closely, especially because we learn a lot of interesting things about these dudes.
So Terrence explains the challenge as a series of "hypothetical" questions they asked the dudes earlier in the day. So the first thing we learn is that Terrence has no clue what the word "hypothetical" means. His example of a hypothetical question is, "Is this guy's favorite sports team X or X?" That's just, like, a normal question based on real (not hypothetical) opinions. Okay, now that we're on the same page, here are some factoids about these people...
Geles guesses that Ethen prefers YouTube to Pornhub, and she is correct. This earns them a spot on the date this week. Good for them. I still don't believe Ethan was totally honest with this answer.
Alexis guesses that Shad would rather have no debt at the age of fifty over no body fat. Clearly Alexis hasn't been paying attention, because Shad is the type of dude who refers to himself as "THE SHAD" and constantly asks people, "how's my jaw line?" As if he could do anything about his bone structure if someone told him his jaw line was bad. I'm not sure what he wants from this line of questioning. Anyway, obviously the correct answer is that Shad would take zero body fat over zero debt.
Much to the horror of all contestants, Malcolm reveals that he prefers Ben Affleck as Batman over Christian Bale. Jada, wide-eyed with horror, says, "The fact that Malcolm thinks Ben Affleck is the real Batman irritates my soul."
Nicole is asked if DImitri would prefer to live in Manhattan over the Midwest, to which Nicole responds, "I'm not good with geography!" Girl. She just lost 1,000 points for being the biggest dumb ass of the show. By the way, of course Dimitri's answer is Manhattan.
Tyler and Keyana are paired up for some weird reason, and Keyana guesses that Tyler would rather do leg day than hot yoga. Nope, this is wrong. Tyler shouts, "Does it look like I do leg day?" And I lost my shit.
Another thing Terrence doesn't know: how to pronounce Uche's name. He keeps calling her OOCHIE, and it's getting really annoying. Like, come on, Terrence, I believed in you. I told everyone you were going to be a good host. Don't mess this up for me.
Anyway, everyone wants to get Uche and Clinton in the Truth Booth this week, but when Uche is asked if she thinks Clinton is Team Justin Bieber or Team Selena Gomez, she picks Selena. WRONG! Honestly, I'm not surprised these two don't know anything about each other because all they do is make out and whisper each other's names to one another. Over and over again. It's really gross. If they're a match, I give up on love.
New Orleans Watch
I don't really have anything to say here except for two small rants. Firstly, can we stop going to Bourbon Street for every GD DATE? Like, New Orleans is a big city. Bourbon Street is one street with no good bars, it constantly smells like vomit, and frat boys are always trying to inappropriately grab you. It's not a romantic spot for a date, not even an Are You the One? date. Can we please do something else?
Part two of this rant: Terrence needs to stop making up fake New Orleans terms. Last week, it was eggs in a "gumbo spoon." A GUMBO SPOON IS NOT A THING. It's just a giant spoon. It's not inherently New Orleansy. Also, this week, when contestants lost the challenge, they got hit with "Mardi Gras Powder." AGAIN, THIS IS NOT A TERM. PLEASE STOP.
The Match-Up Ceremony
So as I mentioned, no new Truth Booths this week, so it's straight to the Match Up Ceremony.
So Nicole and Tyler are sitting together again this week, and once again we get TWO BEAMS. I really think these two are one of our matches. It kind of hurts my heart because Nicole is turning out to be quite the dumb dumb. First, there is the fact that she has no idea where the Midwest or Manhattan are. Last week, she used the term "Friend Zone," which is highly problematic. Then, on the date this week, she marvels at Bourbon Street: "There's so much culture. It's beautiful." No, it's neither of those things. And as we all know, Tyler is my favorite, so of course I feel like he could do better (like, IDK, me). But yeah, these two are one of our Perfect Matches. I'm pretty sure.
So as I said, we have two beams this episode. If Tyler and Nicole are one of those beams, where is our other beam? I'm glad you asked. I think the other beam is one of the couples who have never been matched up before. We got quite a few new match ups this week, but most of them were absurd. Of the new twosomes, there is only one new couple that seems like a good match to me, and that couple is Alexis and Ethan.
Alexis and E-Money... could they be the ones for each other? They both are friendly and have fun personalities. I feel like they would really get each other's sense of humor. So why not? Ethan, stop going after Keyana and look to Alexis. Just imagine she's batting her eyes at Ethan and not at Joe in the above gif, because in reality Alexis and Ethan have had ZERO air time together.
Are You Emily's One?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but... maybe Ethan is really here for the right reasons? Of course, he's a "rapper," so part of the reason he's here is to get exposure, but he also seems genuinely interested in making a connection with a girl. He just sucks at it really, really badly. He says he wants to give it a shot with Geles, but he hasn't tried to make a move on her whatsoever. He just sulks a lot about how she's still hung up on Anthony. Look, dude, if you want her to NOT be hung up on Anthony, give her something else to think about. Ethan seems like a sweet dude. I groaned when he was introduced in the casting episode because I was so sure he was going to be super annoying, like maybe even Whaboom-level annoying. But he's not at all, and he's surprisingly a really decent rapper. So go on with your bad self, Ethan. But still, maybe go for Alexis instead of Geles.
Tune in next week to Are You the One to find out the answers to these burning questions: Who is going to the Truth Booth next? Why are people yelling at sweet Tyler? Will we get a Match Up ceremony at the end of an episode? Will we be forced to go to Bourbon Street again? Who will Malcolm take to the Boom Boom Room the next time he's out for revenge? Why is Michael such a dick? All will be revealed in time, and I'll be here with you every step of the way to unpack all of the juicy happenings on this show. Until next time!
About the Blog
The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.