Honestly I’m just glad to have a break from Bachelor programming to be here for some #nextlevelfierce models. Let’s do this. Episode 8. Go!
Rio is the topic of discussion at the model house. Shanice calls her “the biggest hater.” (Remember when she attacked Sandra for being pretty? Apparently she says other mean shit too.) Kyla says that she overheard Rio call her “stupid,” which upsets her because she’s struggled with this particular put-down after suffering a traumatic brain injury in high school.
Jeana, Rio’s BFF in the house and all-around badass bitch, overhears this conversation and tells Rio. Rio acts really confused and seems to not remember calling Kyla stupid. I wouldn’t even recap these silly discussions if they didn’t come up later, so hold tight.
Tyra Mail Selfie Mail! Surprise. This week is social media week.
Sandra thinks she’ll be amazing because she is, after all, an Instagram model. Erin, our resident “older model” is like “Yo, idk shit about social media. I’m worried.” (I’m paraphrasing.)
Tyra is very upset with how everyone in the world takes mirror selfies. WE’VE ALL BEEN DOING IT WRONG, LADIES. No fear. Tyra is here with RULES and the RULES are ACRONYMS.
1. Do not look at the damn camera. You need to be looking at your own fine self in the mirror. This rule is: SLAY: So Look At Yourself. Eye contact with your own eyes, y’all.
2. It looks dumb af when the camera is IN the photo. So the second rule is: CIAO: Crop It All Out.
Make it look like a ghost took your photo. Not yourself! That’s lame!
3. It’s also dumb to have the camera up by your duck face because then people see the camera before your outfit when you’re trying to be all #OOTD. The final rule: Dip it Low. Hold the camera at an unnatural angle by your hip and tilt it up so we can see your ho ass outfit.
Special guest time! Jourdan Dunn is here and I’ve never heard of her but she has 2 million Instagram followers. The models are very excited about also getting more followers.
Jourdan has a company called Lon Dunn, which is a super annoying name, but everyone pretends they know what it is. They challenge: take mirror selfies for the brand as if you’re an “influencer” and the winner’s selfie goes on Jourdan’s page.
Then we have to watch like five mins of hot girls taking mirror selfies. Also, we hear Rio call Kyla “stupid” in her confessional because she doesn’t know how to take a proper selfie. Kyla, this is not something to be ashamed of. This is all ridiculous. Also, Rio CLEARLY did say Kyla was stupid. Just saying.
Erin also struggles, as she predicted. Sweet baby Khrystyana tries to help her, but Erin is like huh?!
Sandra (duh) and Jeana do well, but Jeana wins and gets to keep her selfie outfit from the fashion line they pretended to know about.
Selfie Mail hints that there is a body positive shoot involving men! Khrystyana is so excited because body positivity is her THANG and she rocks it.
But Rio is like “Oh we’re posing with fat ass men.” (Not paraphrasing.) When Khrystyana tries to explain body positivity for men, Rio’s like “Oh jk I’m not actually a bitch.” (Yes paraphrasing.)
Another special guest! Zach Miko is the first “brawny” male supermodel in the world. (This episode made me realize I might have misunderstood the definition of “brawny.”) Tyra says the photoshoot will be celebrating “big, thick, sexy, delicious, brawny men.” (Not paraphrasing a single word. That’s what she said, and she was super into it.) Jeana gets to shoot with Zach because she won the challenge earlier. This is also Zach’s first shirtless shoot. Woop woop!
The rest of the women are going to be shooting with men who have to audition for them. Most women are exciting, but Rio is, again, not. Direct quote: “To be honest with you, overweight guys like that are not cute.” DAMN, girl.
Some quick highlights:
Erin is feeling herself, and rightfully so. She looks amazing.
Khrystyana is worried that the model will touch her, and she’s not about that life. (I feel you girl. Men As Props 2020.)
Kyla is killing it. Tyra has her and her male model partner yell the names of movies to…get them fierce(?) and Kyla yells, “When is Life Size 2 coming out?!” and Tyra loves it because it’s about Tyra. (But also, I would 100% watch it, especially if adult, kind-of-high Lindsay Lohan is in it. Bring me that movie.)
PANEL. Let’s judge stuff.
Jeana – Tyra loves the photo and the chemistry between Jeana and Zach. She says, “There’s something about it that feels like you guys are in love.”
Brendi – Jourdan says her body looks stiff, but Drew thinks she looks like an expert.
Shanice – Ashley says, “You like FINE, Shanice!” They praise her body movement and her face.
Khrystyana – Ashley says she looks scared. Tyra says she needs to put her emotional experiences into the photo instead of letting them take over her fierceness. Paraphrasing.
Erin – Erin looks fucking fabulous. Her best photo yet.
Sandra – The judges say she’s good at beauty but doesn’t quite have it for editorial and high fashion yet.
Rio – Drew says about the male model: “He beat you in this photo.” And follows that up with a harsh “you are slipping in this competition.” Tyra thinks it looks good, but says the guy still outshines her.
Kyla – They tell her she looks like a supermodel. Tyra says, “This rocked my world.” She does look crazy good.
CALL OUT ORDER
Best photo: Kyla, obviously
Fuck. The bottom two are Khrystyana and Sandra. I’m very scared for Khrystyana because I’m having flashbacks of when Leila went home in the “College Edition” season even though she was clearly WAY BETTER than everyone else, so I know shit can happen here. Please don’t take Khrystyana from me.
They’re both sobbing. Tyra says that Sandra is stunning, but that’s not enough to make her a high-fashion model. She says the judges worry that Khrystyana is inconsistent, which is BULLSHIT because this is literally the one thing she’s ever done poorly.
The girl. Who is still in the running. Toward becoming. America’s. Next. Top. Model. Is.
KHRYSTYANA. Thank god. I would have quit recapping.
I need a glass of wine now. I’ll see y’all next week.
Yours in #nextlevelfierceness,
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The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.