Apologies for my belated post. I was having my own Winter Games in Denver this week. And by Winter Games, I mean I was playing board games with my nephews in Denver and it was snowing outside, but that still counts. Anyway, it meant I didn't get to watch this treasure of a show until several days later, but I still have thoughts and opinions. And I have an extra hour worth of this bananas show to cover, so I'd better just get into it.
This seems early to have a "read more" cut, but like I said last week, the structure of this post is going to mirror the structure of this show, so, like, it's non-existent.
Episode 3 begins with Ben and Yuki palling around in the snow because apparently they're best friends now. I didn't really get a chance to talk about Yuki last week, so let me just delve into it briefly now. I'm very appalled by the way Yuki is being treated as basically the house pet rather than an actual human being. Sure, she doesn't speak English very well, but you guys could've given her a translator. And, you know, not make fun of her for not speaking English very well. I can guarantee you her English is better than your Japanese. I speak a little Japanese, and I still think her English is better than my Japanese. Though I was pretty proud of myself when I could read (in Japanese) that she voted for Kevin last week. What do you mean that's not impressive? Let me have this.
Anyway, Ben and Yuki are best friends now and nothing can possibly go wrong.
For the next little bit, Luke is talking a whole lot and I can't make sense of what exactly was happening because I hate Luke so much that all of my notes are generally just, "Luke is an asshole" and variations of that theme. I really hate him. I don't like to make a point of hating people I don't know personally, but I'm not sure Luke is a people.
So their Winter Game of the episode is skiing. This is stressing me out watching this, not because these people suck at skiing but because I also suck at skiing. Watching this is giving me flashbacks. I have Ski-TSD. Ashley skiing is pretty much what I would look like skiing, so I could not laugh at her, which made me sad because I feel like laughing at Ashley is a huge part of what the spirit of this show is all about.
Apparently it doesn't snow in Australia at all, and Courtney announces that in Australia, they ride kangaroos and not mountains. I'm pretty sure that's not true. Way to play into unfair stereotypes about your country, Courtney. If any Australians are reading this, please correct me if I'm wrong.
Clare knows she's not going to win at skiing, but she desperately wants to go on a date with Christian after Jacuzzi-Gate 2017. She asks the camera, "What does the mediocre person get? I’m the mediocre person. Do I get a prize?" Typical millennial. Wait. Is Clare even a millennial? Well she acts like one.
As I predicted, Dean and Lesley both win the skiing competition which means they have a date card to give away. I thought for sure Lesley was going to give the date card to Clare after their romantic evening in the tub together last week, but no, they give it to Ashley and Kevin. Everyone is just really invested in Ashley finally losing her virginity, I guess.
On their date, Ashley wears the weirdest outfit I've ever seen. It left me speechless but also explained a lot about why this girl might still be a virgin. She spends most of this dinner talking about being a virgin, and Kevin is finally like, "Hey girl, it's fine that you're a virgin and all, but if we keep dating, you're going to have to put out."
After their romantic dinner, they go to make some pottery or something where they have the AUDACITY to break the "Zero Ghost Tolerance Policy" rule...
It's been a while since I've mentioned him, so I just want to say that I miss Benoit. A lot.
So Ben Higgins is the most special boy in the house. Like many before him, Ben decides he's ready to leave the Bachelor Cabin. Unlike those before him, Ben gets a special visit from Chris Harrison. My fiancé Ben M. says that Ben H. is to Winter Games what Nick Viall was to Paradise. This makes me very nervous because I have zero interest in watching Ben H. be the bachelor again. Please God no.
So anyway Big Brother Ben is leaving the cabin. Yuki is sobbing because she's losing her best friend. I don't know who is going to take care of the children now.
Suddenly Michael appears out of nowhere and Ben M. remarks, "This random Michael guy is outlasting everyone. He’s going to be crowned king." As if on queue, Michael also bows out. "I guess Michael was here for Ben," Ben M. says. "The first Winter Games just ends with most people leaving because it’s not a tropical island so hell no I’m not staying here." My fiancé is wise.
The mass exodus of Winter Games continues as Chris Harrison basically forces Yuki to go home because she has "no boy." He speaks a lot of really badly pronounced Japanese to her, but I mean I guess he's trying?
Courtney is like, “Now I have somewhere to stay in Japan.” And Yuki’s like, “Who are you again?”
Ashley’s like, “I may never see Yuki again,” so I guess she’s not planning on going to visit Yuki in Japan.
So the first elimination of the season was voting off. The second elimination was men giving the women roses. So obviously tonight's elimination is a kissing contest because WHY NOT? THERE ARE NO RULES. To make matters worse, these assholes are the ones judging the contest:
Don't get me wrong. I still love Rachel with all my heart, but it's weird that she's here judging a kissing contest with a lot of dudes she once kissed. It's all very demeaning. I mean, yeah, I know that's the premise of this whole show, but this is a whole new level of demeaning. I'm thinking Ben Higgins probably actually left so that he wouldn't have to kiss some rando girl in front of JoJo. That would be embarrassing.
Josiah and Ally have a whole bunch of anxiety about kissing, and I'm really confused. They were making out in the first episode and now they can’t kiss at all? I feel like they’re here for the wrong reasons.
Meanwhile, the Clare and Christian drama continues to make zero sense. It basically goes down like this. Clare’s like, “I want you to kiss me.” And Christian’s like, “I want to kiss you,” and Clare’s like, “Awesome, any time now.” And Christian’s like, “Well, good talk. I guess this is goodbye.” And Christian’s like, “I think Clare’s the woman for me. I’m sad to see her go.” And then they both leave the Bachelor Cabin for good. What the fuck just happened?
And now for the kissing competition. Dean and Lesley come up with a whole dance routine because they're extra AF. Honestly, I think it's kinda cute, but Rachel is not impressed.
Apparently Ashley and Kevin are the best kissers, and JoJo is really excited for them. JoJo’s like, “I’ve been waiting for this girl [Ashley] to find somebody” but like… do they know each other? I've never seen them interact before in my life. Sure, they probably tweet each other offscreen or whatever, but I need a consistent onscreen Bachelor narrative, editors!
Ally almost throws up in Josiah's mouth, and so they're sent home. I feel really bad for Josiah.
Episode 3 is over and they've officially gotten rid of all of the people of color.
The mess continues on Thursday. The Bachelor warns us ahead of time that this is going to be 3 hours of our life we’re about to waste.
Chris Harrison stumbles into the house, trying to endear himself to the viewers with how bad he is at snow. Chris is like, "I know you guys have known each other for 5 days, but clearly you’re all in love and now you need to decide if you’re going to get married and die together." Now they will ice dance to win the crown of the best couple of Bachelor World. The winners will be forced to buy burial plots next to each other to ensure that they will never be parted. It's all very romantic. Chris Harrison lives for this stuff.
In this episode, we finally meet Courtney (Australia) and Lily (New Zealand), who allegedly have been there the whole time, but I can't confirm that with video footage. Either way, I have decided they're cute together. They make snow angels in their swimsuits because they're just two crazy kids in love. At least now we know for a fact that Kiwis and Australians can fall in love with one another. So take that, Flight of the Conchords.
The next 45 minutes of this episode are just me yelling at my TV because Bibiana won't go away and she won't stop crying, all because Jordan wants to know if they're going to be able to date after this. This seems like a valid question. She lives in Miami. He lives in an undisclosed location in New Zealand. Somehow he ends up apologizing to her for even deigning to ask if they can make this relationship work outside of the show. HOW DARE HE?
After this fight, I come to a realization about toxic masculinity. Dudes need to be able to talk to each other when they’re upset. Bibiana goes to Ashley and Jordan just stews because he doesn’t have anyone to talk to. This is why our ideas of masculinity are fucked up (reason #200).
Finally Bibiana leaves and we can move on to the figure skating. Nancy Kerrigan is here to help them learn how to skate, and so are two other people who are way before my time and who haven't been on Dancing with the Stars recently (see the picture at the beginning of this post if you really feel like identifying them).
Finally, Chris lets these couples go on Fantasy Suite dates, because nothing solidifies a relationship like ABC-sanctioned sex. Lesley and Dean are so cute together on their date that I don't even know how to deal. What's wrong with me? I'm rooting for Dean? Why?
Luke and Stassi seem to have like zero chemistry. And really that’s all on Luke because he’s basically a robot. I feel like Stassi would be so pretty with normal lips, but who knows. Stassi and Luke don’t sleep together. So this answers the question about whether or not robots and humans can copulate.
In other news, Courtney and Lily are still super cute together. He says she’s made him feel things he’s never felt before and she says, “I’m sorry.”
I hate that Ashley’s virginity has become such a plot point for this show over the course of so many seasons. I’m relieved she’s going to the fantasy suite just so I can stop hearing about it. So now Ashley has vowed not to talk about her sex life anymore, and the world rejoices
Finally, it's time for the figure skating competition. For some reason, Lily and Ashley are given really dumpy unflattering outfits while Lesley and Stassi actually look pretty cute. I wonder who decides who has to wear what costume. I wonder how I can get that job because that sounds fun. So here are my quick takes on each routine:
Dean & Lesley - Dean is a MUCH BETTER SKATER than Lesley, but he’s not very good at lifting her. Time to work on those arm muscles, Dean.
Courtney & Lily - Their lifts are much better. The little kangaroo hop was cute.
Luke & Stassi - Stassi is pretty good! And she has the best outfit which is really what this is all about.
Ashley & Kevin - Kevin is the best at the lifts so far, and they do have good chemistry. Of course, Chris Harrison is like, “they’re probably performing so well because they did it last night.” Stay classy, Chris Harrison.
For arbitrary reasons, Kevin and Ashley win the figure skating competition and therefore the entire show. Their reward is a couple of golden roses, and I don't know if they really get anything else. So wait... did Kevin and Ashley win The Bachelor Winter Games because Ashley finally lost her virginity? Has this whole show been a ploy to help Ashley lose her virginity?
The End... or is it?
The World Tells All
Yes, the name of this episode is "The World Tells All," because as I've said in the past, The Bachelor is nothing if not extra. Here's a really quick rundown of what happens so that you don't have to watch it:
1. Bibiana is still the worst. She tells Jordan, "I saw that he was on Chapter 10 of our book when I was just reading the title." Sit down, Bibiana. We'll see you in Paradise probably.
2. Dean proposes to Lesley... that she have a key to his house. Deanie baby steps.
3. I've been saying this whole time that Luke is a terrible human, and guess what? He's a terrible human. He didn't even give Stassi his number. Luke’s like, "As soon as the Bachelor is over, I’m a different person. Duh. I thought you knew that." Also Clare accusing Luke of coming onto the show for *GASP* the wrong reasons. Luke's chances of ever being The Bachelor are officially over. Thank goodness.
4. The best thing about this tell-all is... CLENOIT IS BACK TOGETHER (that's Clare and Benoit). Baby Benoit reached out to Clare after the filming of the show, and you know Chris Harrison is like, how dare you fall in love offscreen. But Benoit is here to make it all right with Chris Harrison because guess what? HE HAS A RING. HE IS PROPOSING TO CLARE. ALL IS RIGHT IN BACHELOR NATION.
At this point, even Christian is crying because Clare and Benoit are so lovely and perfect together.
And... that's a wrap on the first ever Winter Games. What did we just watch?
About the Blog
The authors of this blog are four women with opinions about pop culture. That's all you really need to know.